•• Who's afraid of the Big Bad 'Pen? ••

Last night's baseball was, well, forgettable to say the least. Mitre didn't have what it takes to get the win, and our hitters seemed to forget how to score against Halladay. While the baseball was forgettable, the non-baseball activities were not.

Bottom of the 8th inning, trouble began to stir. After Melancon had hit Aaron Hill with a pitch, Toronto decided to retaliate, and stupidly so. I love how the Blue Jays randomly decide to grow a pair, and every time they do, it ends up biting them in the ass.

Jesse Carlson, while facing Jorge Posada at the plate, chose to throw a pitch behind Jorge.

Tsk, tsk Carlson, don't you know that retaliation is for men? And when you faked looking disappointed at misplacing that pitch, were you trying to trick us into thinking it was an accident? Silly rabbit, tricks aren't for dicks.

With Jorge walking around in "oh no he didn't" strides and shouting "YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT"...

...both benches cleared.

Well, for the sake of accuracy, 1.5 benches cleared. The Yankees' bench was instantly out on the field, while half of the Blue Jays' bench skipped out too (let's not forget that 9 of their players were already out on the field, so they had no choice).


The other half of the bench? Click on the play button (and make sure your volume is on).

Don't they look scary? I pity the fool that has to fight them!
As one of my Twitter followers said today: I was just waiting for them to start snapping their fingers as they exited the bullpen. I don't know where they learned how to brawl, but their "clearing of the bench" looked like something straight out of a Broadway musical. They pranced about on the field, generally moving in the direction of the fight. In my head, all I could hear was "there's NO business like SHOW business like NO business I knoooow" as I saw them make their way onto the field. Jazz hands would have been very appropriate at that moment.

Perhaps their exit from the bullpen was inspired by West Side Story? I guess they assumed that people in New York City really do fight through choreographed dance moves. Poor guys, they thought that they would fit in.

So anyway, much to my disappointment, nothing happened. Both benches cleared and just stood there eyeballing each other. After both sides were warned, play resumed. Jorge worked a walk, and eventually scored.

As Posada was running back into the dugout after scoring, Jesse Carlson was standing in his way, so he shouldered him as he was running by.


Don't they teach pitchers to back up behind home plate? Why was Jesse Carlson near our dugout? He needed a back-hand pimp-slap for that alone.

Carlson then turned around and shouted something at Jorge.

Then all Hell broke loose.

Whatever Carlson said really got Posada going, and he ran back towards him. My guess is that Carlson shouted "YOUR WIFE'S A WHORE AND YOUR EARS ARE REALLY BIG". That would be enough to get Jorge going.

The umpire immediately ejected Jorge, but that made no difference and Posada kept charging, and proceeded to kick the crap out of the Toronto pitcher. While he was whooping Carlson's ass, Jorge said: "my ears are NOT big you mother f*cker, the catchers helmet makes them look that way!!!!"

Then both teams went at it. Basically, it was the Yankees beating the crap out of the Blue Jays in the fight, to somewhat relieve the tension built up from the Blue Jays beating the crap out of the Yankees in the game.


What you can't see in the pictures is Shelley Duncan dragging Rod Barajas by the catchers' vest and putting him in a choke-hold, and keeping him there. Personally, I think that Duncan did it just because he could. You gotta hand it to those Midwest boys, they don't mess around. I guess all that cow-tipping Shelley did growing up finally came in handy.

After several minutes, the fight ended, CC Sabathia lifted Jorge and carried him to the dugout...

... while Mariano Rivera got the final "Imma cut you, bitch" death-stare at the Jays.

I'd like to state here that in principle, I don't agree with brawls on the field. I think it's far more effective to whoop the other team's ass by beating them in the game.

Having said that, brawls sure are fun to watch! I found myself cheering our boys on while they beat the crap out of the Jays. My inner thug was awakened, and I wanted a piece of those Canadians myself. I also found myself rather freakishly aroused. There's something about brawls that really get me going......

*daydreams*

Um... back to the topic at hand.

The fight.

Every Yankee got a piece of the action. From Joba Chamberlain, to Nick Swisher, to Johnny Damon (who really got riled up), to Mark Teixeira - who went running in with his mouth open ready to take a bite out of someone. Even skinny-ass Edwar Ramirez got a few punches in. I found it funny that he ran in to break up the fight, when CC Sabathia could sneeze and send Edwar flying away. Ramirez got sucked into the fight and threw in a few punches that would make any fan proud. Respect.

The Blue Jays simply couldn't keep up. Our boys were enraged. Step on our turf and disrespect us like that? NOT ON OUR WATCH, BITCHES.

I don't care what anyone says, the Blue Jays were asking for it. If they can't handle the heat, then they shouldn't throw behind Jorge Posada. Had Cody Ransom been playing and Carlson threw behind him, he probably would have been applauded for it. But this is JORGE POSADA. You don't f*ck with the Hip Hip.

I want to know why Carlson thought throwing behind Jorge would be a good idea. It was obvious that Melancon didn't intentionally hit Hill; why would he? There was no need to. Melancon simply lost control of his pitch. He's known for that. And if Carlson insisted on throwing at Jorge, couldn't he have made it a little less obvious? I think Carlson was assuming that his Bullpen Posse would have his back. That kind of assumption is what gets you this:

So, in conclusion, if you ever want to let off some steam, grab a Toronto Blue Jay. They are wonderful punching bags.

Lessons learned:

1. When instigating a fight, make sure you have someone other than the Toronto Blue Jays bullpen pitchers to back you up.
2. Don't mess with Edwar Ramirez and his 60 lbs of fury.

My final thought? Well, I think what truly started the fight wasn't Carlson's throw behind Posada. It was the maple leaf on his sleeve.

Is that thing flipping us the bird??? OH NO HE DIDN'T......


That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• How about you kiss my ass 999 times? ••

It's 09/09/09. We get it. Just like it was 08/08/08 last year, 07/07/07 the year before, 06/06/06 the year before that, and so on. I promise you, we f*cking get it.

Is it a cool date? Yes it is. Is it rare to have the same digits across the shortened date? Happens only 12 times a century. Is it worth all the craziness that ensues? Hell no.

I refuse to give into the hype, as I have for the past 9 years.

People get ridiculous with this crap. Sending me e-mails like "Don't forget to make a wish at 9:09! God will listen!". What kind of God only listens to me twice a day 12 times a century? That's some Grade-A bullsh*t right there. Surely God doesn't wait until it's those 12 times a century when the date is homogeneous before he listens to a prayer.

Even more annoying are the greetings.
Random person: "Happy 09-09-09!"
Me: "Kill yourself."

Why are we celebrating this day? What accomplishment was achieved on this day? Wow, we've been able to count the days for long enough to get to 09/09/09 once again! Let's celebrate and make The Count from Sesame Street proud! 1..... 2..... 3..... 4..... 5..... 6..... 7..... 8..... 9..... 9 years! Aahahahaha!

The world has gone mad. People get hyped up over the silliest things. People were so into this 09/09/09 business today, that they didn't even realize they were being absolute idiots.

I'm sure many of you have come across some weird behavior today and have a few stories of your own. So, I'd like to sympathize with all of you who have experienced madness on this ordinary day by sharing some of the weird "999" things that happened to me at work today.

Enjoy the pure stupidity of what you are about to read.

•••

I was walking into my office building this morning. As I normally do, I stopped at the security desk to have my bag checked and swipe my ID card. As I walked up to the security guard, I greeted him with "good morning". He then responded with "good morning!" and repeated his greeting over and over. I started to get a little scared, and asked myself why on Earth he sounded like a broken record. I started wondering if maybe I had too much to drink last night, or if one of my drinks was spiked with ecstasy or 'shrooms. Once he stopped greeting me, I asked him why he repeated himself so many times. He said "I'm greeting everyone 9 times today, because it's 999!"

Hmmm... how about you kiss my ass 999 times?

I shook this craziness off, and suddenly realized the coffee that I bought on my way to work wasn't going to be enough. I took the elevator up to my floor, and walked out to be greeted by the receptionist. With a big smile she said to me "happy oh-nine oh-nine oh-nine". Not you too, Sandra. I completely ignored her greeting and said good morning. As I reached to take an M&M from her large M&M bowl, she said to me "make sure you take 9". When I said I only wanted one, she replied to me saying "you're so silly, you have to take 9, because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I slap the 'silly' out of you 999 times?

As I made my way to my office, I passed by my boss who was walking around with a cup of coffee, his hands were shaking and his eyes were wide open. I said good morning to him, and he responded with a loud and overly enthusiastic "HEY!!!!!", that startled me more than I care to be startled at 7:30 in the morning. I asked if he was feeling alright, he said "I'm working on my 6th cup of coffee!!! I want to have 9 cups before 9:09am because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about 999 ass-whoopings to mix in with your coffee?

My office is relatively close to the elevator. I chose it when I first got here. I like to walk in and out with as little interaction with the morons on my floor as possible. I happen to work on the 9th floor of our building. All day I kept hearing the annoying *ding* of the elevator. We were having an unusual amount of visitors today. I walked out and asked one of the guys in the cubicles what was going on. He said "people are visiting our floor, the 9th floor, for luck, because of 999".

Hmmm... how about I hand 999 bitch-slaps to the next 9 fools that visit this floor?

Every working environment has a pervert. He's the guy who mentally undresses you every time he looks at you. The guy who never does anything overt enough to report as sexual harassment, but still makes you feel dirty every time you're in his presence. Today, our designated office pervert came up to me and said "you should have 9 orgasms today because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I kick you in the nuts 999 times?

I needed to finalize some paperwork for a major contract I just landed, and I needed the help of the accounting department to do so. I called up Susan, the accountant I had been working with on this project, and asked her if she could come up to my office for a while. She showed up to my office wearing cat ears. I stared at her for a few seconds, wondering why the Hell she decided to wear cat ears to work. After pondering at relative length on why she would do such a thing, I asked her the reason. She replied in a tone that gave off the impression that my question was ridiculous and the answer should be clear. She said to me "because cats have 9 lives and today is 999".

::blank 'The Office'-style stare into the camera::

Hmmm... how about I smack you in the face with those ears 999 times?

Later on during the day, I heard one of the interns dialing a number and hanging up. He had the phone's speaker on, and I could hear that whatever number he was dialing had the same digit repeated 7 times. He dialed the number over and over, each time laughing then hanging up. I stepped out of my office and asked him what on Earth he was doing, he said to me "I'm calling 999-9999, 9 times, because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I shove that receiver up your ass 999 times?

The icing on the cake, the tip of the iceberg, the drop that made the pot overflow, came towards the end of the day. I had finalized all the paperwork for the contract I'd been working on, and needed 7 photocopies of a document to send to certain people in the organization. I asked my secretary to make the photocopies for me. She came back with 9 copies. When I said to her I only asked for 7 copies, she said "I'm doing everything in 9's today, because it's 999".


At that point, I decided it was time for me to pack up and go home. Had I stayed at work any longer, I would have shot 999 bullets off at everyone on my floor.


That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• The Joba Rules ••

The Joba Rules. Weren’t they cute, oh, 2 years ago? Now they’re just plain retarded. It seems that Joba is being babied. Only the Lord knows why, because even a little toddler’s arm can handle throwing more than 36 pitches.

Oh, those darn Joba Rules. Let me ask you a question. Which is better: straining Joba’s arm when he pitches once every five game, or burning out our bullpen once every five games when October is around the corner?

I say: Save a bullpen, ride Joba’s arm.

In light of tonight’s game where Joba Chamberlain was removed after 36 pitches and 2 runs given up, I decided to look more closely at the infamous “Joba Rules”. I got an exclusive peek at the complete list of rules for Joba Chamberlain. While some rules were standard, others were simply ridiculous.

So here they are, some of the most ridiculous Joba rules in the Joba Chamberlain User’s Manual:

THE UNSEEN JOBA RULES

Joba Rule #21: Do not attempt to lift the ‘Joba Rules’ folder. It is too heavy for you.

Joba Rule #48: Wipe your sweat and adjust your cap with your left hand, NOT your right one.

Joba Rule #74: Do not wipe your ass with your right hand to avoid straining it. If you can’t wipe with your left hand, a Rookie member of the bullpen will do it for you.

Joba Rule #118: No Nintendo Wii for you!

Joba Rule #139: Never take Advil, Tylenol, Aspirin, or any other Paracetemol or pain-killing medications during the season. If you feel any pain we want to know about it and we’ll sit you out for a couple of starts.

Joba Rule #168: The height of your socks in inches will equal the number of pitches you will throw in that game.

Joba Rule #192: Make sure to grab your balls when you cough to avoid straining your groin.

Joba Rule #211: Remember to chew your food slowly. Chewing too quickly could strain your neck muscles, and that will put you on the 30-day DL.

Joba Rule #238: Do no walk around wearing nothing but socks on hardwood floors.

Joba Rule #255: Do not run to the mound. Walk briskly. Make sure to stretch properly before walking to the mound as the walk could strain your hamstrings.

Joba Rule #277: Hank Steinbrenner, Hal Steinbrenner, Brian Cashman, Joe Girardi, Dave Eiland and any other official high-ranking member of the Yankees organiztion holds the right to add Joba rules at any given moment.

Joba Rule #317: Do not get Korean massages.

Joba Rule #332: Avoid making omelets during the season. Beating eggs can cause strain on your arm.

Joba Rule #341: Never bring the woman you’re with to orgasm. Getting off yourself takes enough energy, you don’t need the extra strain.

Joba Rule #394: Cutting your own steak counts as a complete game pitched. Let Cody Ransom cut your steak unless you want to miss your start. Do not worry about how Cody Ransom feels about cutting your steak, we need to legitimize his contract somehow.

Joba Rule #399: A slider counts for 8 pitches in the pitch count.

Joba Rule #416: Waving to the fans is forbidden.

Joba Rule #453: If a fight breaks out on the field during a game, run away. Everyone will think you’re a girl, but you know that your arm is a precious gift from God and needs to be spared.

Joba Rule #471: Never hold the microphone in an interview. Microphones can be heavy on your arm.

Joba Rule #544: Pre-game warm-up pitches count towards the in-game pitch count.

Joba Rule #591: Do not push too hard while on the toilet; hemorrhoids will put you on the 30-day DL.

Joba Rule #609: Do not masturbate with your right hand during the season. Masturbating with your left hand is allowed once every two full rotations during the season. Masturbating with your right hand is allowed once a week during the off-season.

Joba Rule #644: Do not peel bananas.

Joba Rule #689: When pitching to Kevin Youkilis, aim for the dead animal on his face.

Joba Rule #719: A fist pump is equivalent to 4 innings pitched. Two fist pumps will require a week of extra rest.

Joba Rule #729: Do not style Johnny Damon’s hair. That would put strain on your arms and back.

Joba Rule #791: Ignore it when fans call you a baby. You are our big man!

Joba Rule #801-1: Driving a stick-shift car is equivalent to 4 complete games pitched. You do the math.

Joba Rule #801-2: Doing math is the mental equivalent of 5 complete games pitched.

Joba Rule #801-3: Not doing math and using a calculator is allowed ONLY if you use the middle finger of your left hand.

Joba Rule #862: On your visits to Nebraska, avoid milking cows at all cost.

Joba Rule #913: Minimize the autographs you sign. Each autograph signed will result in a 10-pitch reduction from the pitch count of your next start.

Joba Rule #926: Stay away from Nick Swisher.

Joba Rule #961: Do not date Madonna.

Joba Rule #1000: Remember that Dave Eiland and Joe Girardi (Mommy and Daddy) love you very much!

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?