•• The Joba Rules ••

The Joba Rules. Weren’t they cute, oh, 2 years ago? Now they’re just plain retarded. It seems that Joba is being babied. Only the Lord knows why, because even a little toddler’s arm can handle throwing more than 36 pitches.

Oh, those darn Joba Rules. Let me ask you a question. Which is better: straining Joba’s arm when he pitches once every five game, or burning out our bullpen once every five games when October is around the corner?

I say: Save a bullpen, ride Joba’s arm.

In light of tonight’s game where Joba Chamberlain was removed after 36 pitches and 2 runs given up, I decided to look more closely at the infamous “Joba Rules”. I got an exclusive peek at the complete list of rules for Joba Chamberlain. While some rules were standard, others were simply ridiculous.

So here they are, some of the most ridiculous Joba rules in the Joba Chamberlain User’s Manual:

THE UNSEEN JOBA RULES

Joba Rule #21: Do not attempt to lift the ‘Joba Rules’ folder. It is too heavy for you.

Joba Rule #48: Wipe your sweat and adjust your cap with your left hand, NOT your right one.

Joba Rule #74: Do not wipe your ass with your right hand to avoid straining it. If you can’t wipe with your left hand, a Rookie member of the bullpen will do it for you.

Joba Rule #118: No Nintendo Wii for you!

Joba Rule #139: Never take Advil, Tylenol, Aspirin, or any other Paracetemol or pain-killing medications during the season. If you feel any pain we want to know about it and we’ll sit you out for a couple of starts.

Joba Rule #168: The height of your socks in inches will equal the number of pitches you will throw in that game.

Joba Rule #192: Make sure to grab your balls when you cough to avoid straining your groin.

Joba Rule #211: Remember to chew your food slowly. Chewing too quickly could strain your neck muscles, and that will put you on the 30-day DL.

Joba Rule #238: Do no walk around wearing nothing but socks on hardwood floors.

Joba Rule #255: Do not run to the mound. Walk briskly. Make sure to stretch properly before walking to the mound as the walk could strain your hamstrings.

Joba Rule #277: Hank Steinbrenner, Hal Steinbrenner, Brian Cashman, Joe Girardi, Dave Eiland and any other official high-ranking member of the Yankees organiztion holds the right to add Joba rules at any given moment.

Joba Rule #317: Do not get Korean massages.

Joba Rule #332: Avoid making omelets during the season. Beating eggs can cause strain on your arm.

Joba Rule #341: Never bring the woman you’re with to orgasm. Getting off yourself takes enough energy, you don’t need the extra strain.

Joba Rule #394: Cutting your own steak counts as a complete game pitched. Let Cody Ransom cut your steak unless you want to miss your start. Do not worry about how Cody Ransom feels about cutting your steak, we need to legitimize his contract somehow.

Joba Rule #399: A slider counts for 8 pitches in the pitch count.

Joba Rule #416: Waving to the fans is forbidden.

Joba Rule #453: If a fight breaks out on the field during a game, run away. Everyone will think you’re a girl, but you know that your arm is a precious gift from God and needs to be spared.

Joba Rule #471: Never hold the microphone in an interview. Microphones can be heavy on your arm.

Joba Rule #544: Pre-game warm-up pitches count towards the in-game pitch count.

Joba Rule #591: Do not push too hard while on the toilet; hemorrhoids will put you on the 30-day DL.

Joba Rule #609: Do not masturbate with your right hand during the season. Masturbating with your left hand is allowed once every two full rotations during the season. Masturbating with your right hand is allowed once a week during the off-season.

Joba Rule #644: Do not peel bananas.

Joba Rule #689: When pitching to Kevin Youkilis, aim for the dead animal on his face.

Joba Rule #719: A fist pump is equivalent to 4 innings pitched. Two fist pumps will require a week of extra rest.

Joba Rule #729: Do not style Johnny Damon’s hair. That would put strain on your arms and back.

Joba Rule #791: Ignore it when fans call you a baby. You are our big man!

Joba Rule #801-1: Driving a stick-shift car is equivalent to 4 complete games pitched. You do the math.

Joba Rule #801-2: Doing math is the mental equivalent of 5 complete games pitched.

Joba Rule #801-3: Not doing math and using a calculator is allowed ONLY if you use the middle finger of your left hand.

Joba Rule #862: On your visits to Nebraska, avoid milking cows at all cost.

Joba Rule #913: Minimize the autographs you sign. Each autograph signed will result in a 10-pitch reduction from the pitch count of your next start.

Joba Rule #926: Stay away from Nick Swisher.

Joba Rule #961: Do not date Madonna.

Joba Rule #1000: Remember that Dave Eiland and Joe Girardi (Mommy and Daddy) love you very much!

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?