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•• Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate The Red Sox ••

It is known that the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is the biggest in baseball. Whether it's because of the animosity between fans, the tightness of the title race, or the wide media coverage, this rivalry is one of the most heated in all of professional sports. Tonight, we face the Boston Red Sox in a series opener at home in Yankee Stadium.

In honor of this event, I decided to give you the Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate The Red Sox.

10. It's a Family Thing

I was raised in a house free of prejudices. We were brought up to judge a person based on their character, and not based on their religion, race, gender, nationality or sexuality. We are an open-minded family, and we accept everyone.

Everyone, except for Red Sox fans.

No one wearing anything that bares resemblance to a Boston logo was allowed to enter the house. My own cousin, a Red Sox fan (he's a 3rd cousin through marriage and is regarded as the 'black sheep' of the family because of his Boston ways), was stopped at the door by my father and not allowed to enter the house until he took his Boston hat off and left it in the car. Had he not been a family member, he would have been sent home.

Growing up, I was allowed to date whomever I wanted regardless of their racial, religious, cultural or social background. I was not, however, allowed to date Red Sox fans (not that I ever wanted to).

This is how I was raised. This is a major reason why I hate the Red Sox.

9. Claims of a Curse

In my opinion, any organization that believes in curses, and blames their failure on anything other than their own mistakes, is an organization deserving of hatred. Like many Yankees fans (and fans of other teams) have said before me: there was never a curse, they just sucked for 86 years.
I may understand a heartbroken fanbase being pathetic enough to come up with such an excuse, but for an entire organization to embrace this excuse, and use it as a crutch, is simply disgusting.

There was never a curse, Babe Ruth was just smart. You sucked, Yankees owned. Still do. Deal with it.

8. Red Sox Nation

What is this, really? Have you people no shame? Have you no class? Why am I even asking these questions when I know the answer to both questions is "no"?

I believe Hank Steinbrenner said it best in an interview:

“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

I think that Red Sox Nation reached the pinnacle of its pathetic existence a few years back, when it had its "Presidential Elections". The two front runners were:

• A grown man living in his mother's basement that was filled with Red Sox posters and memorabilia, broadcasting the fact that he hadn't taken his Boston jersey off in years.


• A dog.

I believe the dog won, probably because he's Red Sox Nation's most intelligent member.

7. Kevin Youkilis

Where do I even begin describing my disgust for this man? He is one classless attention-seeker, who leaps farther than his stubby legs can carry him. And that facial hair... don't even get me started on that dead animal he has on his face. Forget about being beaten with the "ugly stick", Kevin Youkilis was beaten by a forest of ugly trees.

He has one of the most stupid and annoying batting stances in the history of baseball. Then, when a pitcher throws at him (probably because he was distracted by the homo-erotic nature of the Youk Stance), he goes out and bitches about it to the media. "Blah blah blah, they have it in for me at every game, blah blah blah, they always throw at me because they hate me, blah blah blah, I'm like Paul O'Neill".

You, sir, are NO Paul O'Neill. Let's just clear that up. Do not compare yourself to Paullie, you are not, and will never be, anything like him.

How about the next time you charge the mound, you leave your bat behind and put up your fists ya big baby? It's easy to charge the mound armed with a bat, when the pitcher has nothing but his fists and a glove to defend himself. I'm a small woman and I can charge the mound with a baseball bat and feel safe.

Furthermore, if you're going to charge the mound, do something other than just TALK a good fight. Either get into a real fight, or don't charge the mound in the first place. To half-ass it like you always do, pretending that you're tough when all you're thinking about is getting home and cuddling with your Wally The Monster toy, is just plain pathetic. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the Yankees' way.

6. The "C" on Varitek's Jersey

I'm sorry, did we change the sport to hockey when I wasn't looking? Who the Hell puts a damn "C" on their baseball jersey to show the world that they're the captain? Seriously, who does that?

I've heard Red Sox fans defending Jason Varitek and saying that it wasn't his decision to put the "C" on there, it was the team's decision. THAT'S EVEN WORSE! That proves that it was more than just one player who was repeatedly dropped on his head as a baby, IT WAS THE WHOLE FREAKING TEAM!

Varitek, if you need a damn letter on your jersey to show that you're the captain, chances are you're not doing a very good job. How about you grow a testicle and stop using embroidery to command respect? A true leader commands respect through his actions.

Take a course in "Jeteromics" and learn about how a real captain acts.

Oh and next time, take your damn catcher's mask off when you want to fight. Maybe then you'll look like less of a pussy.

5. David Ortiz

Oh, Ortiz, you big ogre-like walking fiasco. When will you learn that the words you say will come back to bite you in your big steroids-filled ass?

Really, Big Papi? Really? It seemed like a good idea to go out and blast all steroids users in baseball, saying that anyone who ever used steroids should be banned? Really? Knowing that you haven't been clean, and that names of users were coming out left and right, you still thought it would be smart to go out and give a "holier than thou" interview to the media? Really?

How about now, Big Poopi? Do you still think that those players should be banned? Personally, I think you should be banned solely for your stupidity. Had you not made such a big deal about it when Alex Rodriguez was called out, you probably wouldn't have gotten so much hate for being called out yourself. Christ, even Canseco forgot how to speak English when the topic of steroids was raised. Yet you thought it was a good idea to go out and be a hypocrite. Interesting.

You used to remind me of Shrek. Now you remind me of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz.

4. Curt Schilling

Do I really need to explain this? Check is blog and you'll know why.

This loud-mouthed has-been seems to think that being a bitch will somehow compensate for the fact that he's pathetic. He may have been decent at points in his career, but that still doesn't erase the fact that his last contract had weight-loss incentives. If you're an athlete and you need financial incentives to lose weight and get in shape, you're pathetic.

You'd think that he'd somehow be ashamed of himself for losing it in his last year and try to lay low off the radar. Nope! In true Red Sox fashion, Curt Schilling decided to take the classless route and start a blog blasting other teams right and left. Schilling's inferiority complex is more than obvious, because instead of recognizing his weaknesses and trying to strengthen them, he decided to point out and embelish the weaknesses of others, so that maybe his own pathetic existence would seem better.

Furthermore, this self-promoting moron thinks he deserves to be in the baseball Hall Of Fame! Oh for the love of Mo, when will the stupidity end!
I guess in Red Sox Nation, being a career 3.46 ERA pitcher with 216 wins, logically earns you a place in the HOF, alongside baseball's greatest.

It must be that bloody sock...

3. Wally The Monster and his sidekicks: Lefty & Righty

First of all, I hate mascots. I think their existence is stupid, and too high on the "Shameless Marketing" scale for my taste.

Secondly, I think Wally The Monster is the ugliest sports mascot I've ever seen. We get that you call that monstrosity in your stadium "The Green Monster", but must you embody it by creating that hairy green blob you call a mascot? No wonder the children of the fanbase grow up to be complete idiots as adults, their brains are scarred with images of horror at an early age.

Wally not only looks horrid, he acts like a douche. He gets up in the stands and starts dancing around, shaking his blob left and right, and the crowd actually enjoys it. Really, what does it say about your fanbase when you need a cartoon-character-gone-wrong to keep them amused during the game? Actually, what does that say about your team?

Thirdly, they introduced those two stupid socks to dance around with Wally. I guess the images of a dancing green monster weren't enough to fill up the vast empty spaces in Sox fans' skulls, Lefty & Righty had to be introduced to distract these fans from any chance they may have to learn about the game of baseball.

Following the game and learning about baseball? No way! We do things the Red Sox way and fill the minds of our fans up with superficial marketing propaganda! Heaven forbid they should ever be able to carry on an intelligent baseball-related conversation.

2. The Fans

Now the most hated fanbase in baseball. Not because of success, but because of sheer douchebaggery. Red Sox fans are some of the most classless, idiotic, and pathetic fans in the world of professional sports. I have yet to carry on an intelligent baseball-related conversation with a Red Sox fan. In fact, I'm yet to meet a baseball-intelligent Red Sox fan.

They are quick to make claims: "it's a Red Sox dynasty!" or "we're the best team in baseball history!" or other ridiculous statements of pure stupidity. Once you respond with logic, saying that it takes more than two World Series wins that were three years apart to make a dynasty, or by saying that to be the best team in baseball history you can't really suck for the better part of baseball history, they respond with "Yankees suck".

Try backing them into a corner and asking them something like "name 7 Red Sox bullpen pitchers from 2004", if you're a Yankees fan, they'll definitely respond with "oh you're just jealous. Yankees suck".

Hmmm. "Yankees suck". Thank you, Red Sox Nation, for refreshing and enlightening us with your unique and substantial point of view.

Another thing I hate about Red Sox fans is that they cannot grasp why the country hates them. Non-Yankees used to see them as the "lovable losers", it was mostly pity. Now that they've won a couple of World Series, the entire fanbase turned into a group of douchebag ass-hats. Yet, they still expect America to love them. Talk about stupidity.

As a Yankees fan, I'm smarter than to think that America will love me. We know we're a hated fanbase, but we're hated because we're proud of our history and success. Nevertheless we don't expect the country to like us. As a matter of fact, we enjoy being hated by the rest of the baseball world.

Red Sox fans think that America hates them because they're successful. That's the only reason they hate the Yankees, so they assume that that's the only reason there is to hate someone. WRONG. America hates Red Sox fans because they're classless, juvenile, douchebag idiots who believe in curses and can't name their entire 40-man roster this year, nevermind try to remember last year's 25-man roster. America hates Red Sox fans because they are the biggest media-whores we've ever seen in Major League Baseball. They will take any opportunity to shove their Red Sox down our throats and talk about them like they're God's gift to humanity.

America hates Red Sox fans because, even after they act like douchebag Massholes when they're winning, they still expect people to feel sorry for them when they're losing. Why on Earth would we feel sorry for you obnoxious turds when you're losing? Don't get me wrong, I'm all kinds of obnoxious when it comes to being a Yankee, but I don't expect ANYONE to sympathize with me when we're losing. In fact, I never want any kind of pity aimed at me. Red Sox fans, on the other, want to be celebrated when they're winning, and pitied when they're losing. It doesn't work like that, you morons.

Another thing I hate about Sox fans is that they care more about sticking it to Yankees' fans than they do about winning. It's fun to rub your success in others' face, but when GLOATING about your success becomes more important to you than your actual success, you're a Red Sox fan. If the Red Sox win the ALDS, their fans wouldn't be happy if the Yankees won the ALDS too. It's more important for their fans to say "the Yankees didn't win" than to say "we won". That is something you will never find in other fanbases. Winning always comes first. Gloating is a distant second. For Red Sox fans, winning is only important if they get to gloat about it.

Of course, there's the fact that 75% of their fanbase consists of bandwagon fans, but that could happen to any team. The only problem is that these bandwagon fans swear to God that they're "diehard" and "lifelong". That is how you ask a baseball question and get the response "Yankees suck".

1. Jonathan Papelbon

Honestly, there is nothing I currently hate more about the Red Sox organization than Jonathan Papelbon.
Before I begin my Anti-Paps Rant, let me state that I recognize his abilities as a pitcher, and I do believe he is one of the best closers around today.

Alright, now that I got that sickening statement out of the way, I can move on.

Jonathan Papelbon embodies everything I hate about the Red Sox organization: lack of class, lack of a brain, lack of restraint, and lack of logic. He's a good closer, I'll give him that, but he seems to think that the sun rises and sets in his ass. Not only does he seem to think that he's God, he tries to convince the baseball world of it too. Only a sad, pathetic idiot feels the need to constantly praise himself. What's the matter, Paps? Did mommy not hug you enough as a child? Did daddy never tell you he loves you? What's with this constant self-promotion?

Self-promotion seems to be a trend in the Red Sox organization. They all have such an inferiority complex that they compensate for by blowing their own horns. Or each others' horns. I stress on the word 'blowing'. Paps is their number 1 blower. In more than one way.

Papelbon, already branding himself the best closer in baseball, seems to think that he's in the same league as Mariano Rivera. I don't care who you are, if you say that Jonathan Papelbon is equal to Mariano Rivera, you need to get your ass kicked. What an idiot. No one who knows anything about baseball thinks that Paps is equal to Mo. Which explains why Red Sox fans seem to think so.

In 2008, Papelbon even had the audacity to say that he should be the All Star Game closer. The All Star Game that was being played in New York, in the House That Babe Built, when the best closer of all time, our Mariano Rivera, was right there. Even Terry Francona knew that Paps was being a moron. After all the talking, saying that he deserves to close and that he's equal to Rivera, Francona puts Papelbon in to pitch in the 8th. Paps gives up a run. Mo gets robbed of a save. We sit and watch for 14 innings.
Children, thank Jonathan Papelbon for ruining the All Star Game.

Just like Schilling, Papelbon loves being a media-whore. He jumps on any opportunity to get some publicity by going out and saying something outrageously dumb. He especially enjoys blasting the Yankees. It makes him feel important to blast the Yankees. He feels it somehow makes his existence on this Earth more significant than the waste of oxygen that he is.

Just like the Red Sox fanbase, Paps doesn't feel good unless he puts the Yankees down. Again: inferiority complex. Knowing Boston and the stupidity of their fans, he is probably worshipped more every time he says something idiotic. He probably uses these anti-Yankees rants to bring all the boys to the yard.

Also, let's not forget that horrifying dance that he does when the Red Sox win. What is that dance? He looks like a drunk mutant frog dancing the Irish jig while high on 'shrooms. As if I needed any MORE reasons to NOT want the Red Sox to win, avoiding seeing Paps dance is a major one. Guys like Papelbon are the reason the world thinks that white guys can't dance. I guess he uses this dance to seduce his teammates.

Another reason I hate Jonathan Papelbon is the way he acted in the All Star Parade in 2008. He was wearing his World Series ring, flashing it at the crowd of New Yorkers, and shouting things like "jealous?". Then, when the crowd started throwing trash at him (because trash begets more trash) he whined and bitched about it, trying to get sympathy. "Boo hoo, they threw paper cups at me and my pregnant wife boo hoo".
Well, moron, how about you don't piss a crowd off while your pregnant wife is sitting right next to you? What did you expect, douchebag? Did you expect the crowd of New Yorkers to cheer for you and your damned ring? Consider yourself lucky you didn't get your ass kicked. If it were up to me, I'd bitch-slap you. Not a regular slap, a bitch-slap. Regular slaps are for men. Bitch-slaps are for bitches like you. A good pimp-style backhand is what you need to put you in your place.

Of course, when talking about Papelbon-bon, I have to mention the instances of grabbing Manny Ramirez' junk:

and him in all his glory:

Honestly, need I say more?

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Chatting with the Stars •••

I swear to God, I couldn't create this if I tried.

My girl Haydee IM'ed me on AIM. She told me she was chatting to some guy pretending to be Johnny Damon. I was bored, so I asked for his SN. 30 minutes and a mind-f*ck later, this is what I ended up with:

*Remember one thing: I'm playing along like I believe that he's the real deal*

Me: Hi
"Him": hi
Me: I think my friend's playing a prank on me
"Him": who is this?
Me: You don't know me. But I'm a huge Yankees fan. My friend say that you're Johnny Damon.
Me: I think she's playing a prank on me.
"Him": and your friend is?
Me: Are you really Johnny Damon?
"Him": this is his team mate
"Him": he's in the club house, he was just outside for BP

Me: Oh wow. Which team mate?
"Him": AJ
Me: No. Me: Are you serious?!
"Him": yes I am
"Him": I'm just in a bad mood b/c CC decided not to show up to BP and I'm alone in the bullpen listening to Joba bitch about his mother and how girls are devils and how he cant drink and blah, might as well listen to Hughes blast Creed 24/7

Me: Well, I just wanna say that I love you and think you're awesome. Same goes for CC and Joba and Hughes. And every Yankee.
Me: Except for Cody Ransom.

Me: I don't like Cody Ransom.

"Him": okay then..
"Him": Cody is you wanna know the truth?

Me: I'm sure he's a fine human being. He just doesn't belong in pinstripes.
"Him": I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand..they talk to me.
Me: Are you sure you're not Johnny Damon?

"Him": ummmm positive
"Him": last I checked I wasn't Asian

Me: He's only half Asian. Me: So, how do I know you're the real AJ?
"Him": how do I know your not an obsessed stalker?
Me: I am obsessed, but I'm too lazy to be a stalker
"Him": okay..

[awkward silence]

"Him": hey hey, can I kill Sabathia?
Me: Um, no?
"Him": he came LATE
"Him": I had to listen to a bitching Joba, meh, at least Hughes was on the field practicing too..didn't need to hear My Own Prison and Human Clay over and over

"Him": oh and get this!


"Him": fucking HHH fan

"Him": LMAO, Ransom is holding me hostage for well..ransom
Me: Don't pay it, he's not worth it.
"Him": no no..he's making CC pay
"Him": "a quarter of a billion dollars"
"Him": WTF? CC laughed and said I'm not worth it
"Him": shows that HHH fans know SHIT
"Him": do you know what Millar is doing?

"Him": he's humping the ground..
Me: I had no idea you were this weird, AJ.
"Him": I'm usually normal but I haven't had a cigarette today
"Him": Dr. Pettitte comfiscated them
Me: AJ, you shouldn't smoke. Dr. Pettitte is right.
"Him": I smoke because I'm stressed alot
Me: Why are you stressed? Is it because Michael Kay keeps mentioning your no-hitter every time you go the first two innings without giving up a hit?
"Him": no..
"Him": ummm try not seeing your two children grow up

"Him": or not waking up next to your wife every morning for half the year
maybe then you'll be depressed alot
Me: The Pinstripes are worth it. You must think so, otherwise you wouldn't be a Yankee.
"Him": no..I need a cigarette "Him": tempted to go through CC's locker
Me: CC smokes too?
"Him": of course, I started smoking b/c of him
Me: Oh, really? Peer pressure?
"Him": haha 300lbs of pressure

Me: So what's the real story behind Cody Ransom?
"Him": rather not say
Me: Who did he sleep with to get the job?
"Him": oh shut up
Me: Come on, AJ. You can tell me, lol.
"Him": your making him sound like Alex
Me: Who did Alex sleep with to get the job?
"Him": everyone, lmao
Me: Well, at least Alex gets some. Unlike cody.
"Him": you wanna start?
"Him": Cody happens to be my other best friend

Me: Good for you. I sincerely congratulate you on that.

[awkward silence]

Me: So, AJ, what's Derek Jeter really like?
"Him": why..wanna know his size now too?
"Him": oh and sorry, I don't look at guys

Me: Um, not exactly what I was asking. But it wouldn't hurt to know, lol.
Me: I was asking more about his personality.
"Him": i said I don't look at guys
Me: OK then. Don't be so homophobic.

"Him": okay, Cody is seriously possessed or something

Me: Really? Who would have thought that Ransom is possessed?
"Him": I have my hand on his stomach to keep him from getting up b/c Alex is talking shit to us and he's cracking up yelling "STOP TICKLING ME" yet my fingers aren't moving
Me: Wow. What a weirdo.
"Him": apparantly Scranton/Wilkes-Barre doesn't want him or told him he wasn't playing so he came back to Toronto
"Him": either that or something happened that I dont know about

Me: Maybe he's waiting for the call from McDonald's.
"Him": Coach told him to go home but I told Coach off
Me: You told Joe Girardi off?
"Him": yes. aint the first time
Me: It doesn't surprise me that players tell Joe off.
Me: What did you say?

"Him": I told him that if he called security I'd let the world know about how he slept with the hookers using the team's money and got ghonorea (sp.)
"Him": I got it from some movie, I think it was Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

"Him": you missed the funniest shit earlier

Me: What happened earlier?
"Him": lets just say..there was almost an excorscism
Me: Cody Ransom?
"Him": this was before Cody arrived actually
Me: Please tell me more. I'm intrigued now.
"Him": out of nowhere Eric started acting possessed, like doing "Emily Rose" perfectly, they had to call 9-1-1 and everything
"Him": then they tried restraining him and he made his body start moving on its own

Me: Eric... as in Hinske?
"Him": yeah
"Him": we actually started believing him

"Him": then Hughes put the radio on and Eric sat up and said "dude, make Coheed louder"

Me: Wow, this is shocking. My Yankees are plagued with nut-jobs.
"Him": Eric isn't a nut job
"Him": it was hilarious

Me: How's Dave Eiland as a coach?

"Him": meh, I ignore coaches
"Him": haha, Swisher's yelling right now

Me: What's he saying?
Me: Tell him to reply to me on Twitter.
"Him": Swish dont got Twit
Me: Yes Swish got Twit.
Me: AJ, I have one more question for you.

"Him": noww hat?
"Him": lmao..I typed too fast with one hand

"Him": now what?
Me: Do you think the Yankees will win the World Series this year?
"Him": fuck no
Me: And why not?
"Him": I think Boston will
Me: Thanks for chatting with me, AJ. It's been a pleasure. Weird freak.

[Closed the conversation. Then I get IM'ed again. I let it run for a bit before I answered]

"Him": hey...
"Him": what's up?

"Him": do you know why aj told me to get on here and keep cody in the bullpen?
"Him": he's yelling at alex

"Him": i am so confused
"Him": hi beeeebzy

"Him": how'd you get my s/n? i told aj not to talk to random people
"Him": why aren't you talking?

"Him": earth to bee

"Him": ahhh, great..fist fight in the club house

"Him": aj and alex

"Him": cc's fat ass is blocking the bullpen door so i cant see

"Him": apparantly aj told him to keep cody away

Me: Is this Damon now? I thought I closed this damn chat.
"Him": yes it is..i opened it again
"Him": i cant stay on much longer though

Me: Didn't think so.
"Him": yeah almost game time
Me: One question for you Damon.
"Him": whats up?
Me: Do you think the Yankees will win the World Series this year?
"Him": there's a good chance
"Him": it depends on how well we play now
Me: AJ seems to think your old team will win it again.
"Him": well, he's got a right to be concerned, they just got very good competition
"Him": martinez is one tough ball player

Me: You really do sound like Johnny Damon. Kudos.
"Him": that's because i am him
Me: Oh of course you are. I'm actually Kate, from Jon & Kate plus 8. Shocking, ain't it?
"Him": ummmmm..
Me: Where's your mom from?
"Him": thailand
Me: So she's a Bangkoker?
"Him": my father is from the usa

Me: Well good job. A+ on knowing the answer.
Me: Hey, Johnny...

"Him": yes?
Me: Start winning me some points, you're on my fantasy team.
"Him": okay
Me: And try to actually make a successful throw to the infield every once in a while.
"Him": okay..
Me: Thanks. Good luck! You weird freak.

[End conversation]

This guy/girl needs help. Seriously mental and emotional health. Who does something like this? Apparently he/she does this regularly, never gives up the act.
I'm convinced that this person is a Red Sox fan. No doubt about it.

This entire conversation has left me with absolutely no comment. I honestly believe it speaks for itself.

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Adios Cody Ransom!!! •••

Praise Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, Mo, or whoever you pray to at night! The worthless waste-of-roster-space stupidly disguised as a baseball player known as CODY RANSOM is officially gone!

Oh what a glorious night! I want to shout it from the roof-tops and dance in the rain! HALELLUJAH HALELLUJAH, CODY RANSOM IS GONE!

Mo has answered my prayers, the Baseball Gods have listened to our cries, and they have cleansed us of whatever sins we committed to deserve the punishment of Cody Ransom.

My Twitter followers know that I've been a major hater when it came to Cody Ransom. He was my scapegoat for everything that went wrong:
If the Yankees lose, blame it on Cody.
If the Yankees blow a lead, blame it on Cody.
If North Korea invades South Korea, blame it Cody.

It's an accepted law of physics. Just like every reaction is caused by an equal and opposite action, every screw-up is caused by Cody Ransom.

Don't try to argue my logic - it's the truth.

Proof that my logic is the truth: Epistemology students now have a way of making sure that their reached conclusions are absolute truths; if their conclusion = CODY RANSOM FAILS, then it is an absolute truth.

I'm like a caged bird that's just been set free. I'm like a little kid on Christmas Day. Cody Ransom is gone, and the only thing that can complete my happiness is winning our 27th World Series. In fact, now that Cody Ransom is gone, we probably *will* win it.

I don't know how coherent this blog post is, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! I'm just so happy.

Now that Cody Ransom is gone, I'm going to need a new scapegoat. No one has filled the big Shoe Of Failure that Cody has left behind, yet. But worry not, my fellow Yankees, a new scapegoat will present himself on a silver platter ready for execution soon. Until then, let's rejoice!

Oh happy day!
(oh happy day)
OH - happy DAY!
(oh happy day)
When Jesus washed
(when he washed)
WHEN - Jesus washed
(when he waaaaaashed)

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Dear Joe •••

It's time for the first installment of our 'Dear Joe' advice column. New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi has kindly agreed to contribute some solid advice to all of our readers, so if you have any problems you need help with, don't be afraid to ask an average Joe!

Our question for today comes from Tampa, Fl.

Dear Joe,

I'm a manager at a local McDonald's. My staff is very competent and they're the best at what they do. We have the best burger flippers and french fry fryers in the country. But something is going wrong. For some reason, we keep missing orders, and costumers are leaving unsatisfied. I've been a manager here for a year and a half, and have cost the franchise a lot of losses. What do I do?

Please help,
Desperate & soon-to-be Unemployed

Dear Desperate & soon-to-be Unemployed,

You're lucky because I know exactly what you're going through. I may have never flipped a burger, but I'm the manager on the New York Yankees and I wear the number 27 on my back, so my words count for a lot.
Here's what you do: you need to rotate your staff around based on the order the customer is giving you. It's called "micromanaging", and I live by it.
Let's say a customer orders a Big Mac Meal, supersized, without pickles. Your first action as manager should be to bring out your Big Mac patty specialist. Don't be fooled into thinking that all burger-flippers are the same. You need to put in the Big Mac Burger-flipping Specialist to face the Big Mac-loving customer.
After the specialist burns the burger, you need to throw the Burger-Scraping specialist in there to try and salvage what's left of the meat. It'll probably be completely burnt, so don't worry if he can't save more than half the meat.

Your next job is to put the Sauce-Applier in. Make sure he specializes in the Big Mac sauce, because every sauce requires a different delivery. So the way to manage this is to "pinch-hit" several saucer-appliers every day.

Then, after half of the meat is salvaged and the sauce is slapped on, you should push your bun-tosser, the "Cody Ransom" of your squad, into the kitchen so he can fumble around with the buns and screw up by putting pickles on there, when the customer clearly asked for no pickles.You'll probably end up with a sloppy joe after your bun-tosser is through with his job, but if you cover it up by using big words while talking to the customer, you might be able to fake it well enough to keep your job another day.
Don't be afraid to utilize your bun-tosser. Your senior staff members will need days off, so throw the bun-tosser in there to fill up empty positions. He'll screw up every work station in the place, but I believe that a poorly done job is better than no job done at all.

And my final piece of advice is: Forget the fries and the drink, you're too far behind schedule by now to worry about the peripherals.

I hope that helped!


That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The Official Cody Ransom Hate Post •••

Epic FailImagine you’re on vacation in Indonesia. You’re on the beach, you can feel the warm soft sand between your toes, you have an ice-cold beer in your hand, and you’re relaxing with your loved one, taking in the beautiful sun. Suddenly, you see a huge tsunami wave rising in the horizon. Can you imagine the sinking feeling of impending doom you’d get at that sight?

Now imagine you’re at Yankee Stadium on a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon. The crowd is cheering, the children are smiling, the Yankees are winning. You take a sip of your ice-cold beer, then suddenly you see Cody Ransom in the on-deck circle. Now, take the feeling you get at this sight, and compare it with the feeling you’d get facing a tsunami wave.

Almost identical.

I’m a fan of the New York Yankees. I take pride in the pinstripes I wear, and I’m thankful every day for being a Yankee. As a lifelong fan, I’m proud to say that never in my 25 years have I ever booed one of our players. I’m the type to find the positive side of any player, no matter how horrible they are.

I didn’t boo Irabu back in the day, I didn’t boo A-Rod when everyone else was, I didn’t boo Clemens when other fans were, and I didn’t even boo Carl Pavano.

Cody Ransom, however, has changed things for me. I cannot escape that feeling of impending doom every time I see him reach for his bat and helmet in the dugout. I cannot find any positive side to his existence.

This year, I’m at war with myself. On the one hand I believe in standing behind your team through thick and thin, but on the other hand I can NOT bring myself to stand behind Cody Ransom. While I support my team, win or lose, I can’t help but ooze hate when it comes to Cody.

What is he doing in New York? Why am I still seeing his skinny ass on the field? Isn’t it obvious that he doesn’t belong?

I’ve been airing my Ransom hatred out on Twitter, but I feel the need to go on a rant where I’m not limited to 140 characters per post. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Official Cody Ransom Hate Post.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy reading what most of you Yankees’ fans have been thinking.

I would like to know why Cody Ransom is still getting playing time. He can’t hit, he can’t get on base, he can’t play defensively, he makes errors left and right, and he doesn’t even have any sort of attitude: positive or negative.

I mean, come on dude, at least be a d*ck or something – give us SOMETHING to give a crap about. Nope, his personality off the field is just as insignificant as his numbers on the field.

Let’s look at those numbers, shall we?

BA / OBP / SLG : .190 / .256 / .329

This, of course, is in 79 plate appearances. In 79 AB’s, he’s had no home runs, 5 singles, 9 doubles and 1 triple. There ya go, your .190 avg. He’s also drawn a whopping 7 walks! Which explains his OBP.

Let’s not stop there, folks. In 79 Abs, Cody Ransom has struck out 25 times. 25 TIMES! So his God damn SO percentage is .316!

Seriously? This man is considered a utility player for the New York Yankees? Wait, let me rephrase that: he’s considered a player? What sport is he playing? Because from where I’m sitting, it sure as Hell doesn’t look like he’s playing baseball.

Signing players like Cody Ransom really ticks me off. He’s 33 years old, can’t play for [expletive], and whatever future he has ahead of him probably involves asking the question “would you like fries with that?”

Honestly, why the Hell is he a Yankee? The guy is 33 years old, and I can’t even give him the honor of calling him a has-been because HE NEVER REALLY WAS!

We have Gardner, Hinske, Ramiro, and even Shelley Duncan (who isn’t really ready yet for a permanent utility role but he’s better than [expletive] Ransom) to name a few. WHY THE HELL IS CODY RANSOM STILL GETTING PLAYING TIME?

You can’t even give him the benefit of saying that he’s going through a slump. It ain’t a slump if it’s been going on your entire career – it’s just plain sucking.

What pisses me off even more is that I don’t know whom to blame anymore.

Do I blame Cashman for the signing?

Do I blame Girardi for sending him out onto the field? (Sidenote: what’s next, Joe? Are you going to send him out to pinch hit?)

Do I blame myself for watching him?

Do I blame the beer guy for refusing to give me enough beer to make Cody Ransom seem decent?

Who do I freaking blame?

I need answers, America. I need some God damn answers. How can he even sit in the same dugout as the rest of our team?

It hit me hard yesterday when I realized that his 0-for-0 performance was probably one of his best performances this year. At least he got on base by pinch running for a pinch hitter who was walked. Crack open the champagne! Cody Ransom got on base! Run, Cody, Run!

Oh yeah we’re getting our money’s worth when Cody Ransom makes it on base once a month. We could have paid him a pack of cigarettes for his contract, and we still wouldn’t be getting our money’s worth.

Call me what you will. Say that I’m a spoiled fan. Say I’m obnoxious for hating him. I don’t give two craps. When I pay $350 to go to a game, and another $100 or so to follow the Yankees online when I’m not in New York, I believe I have the right to hate players like Cody Ransom.

Someone give me one good reason why Ransom is still on the active roster. One reason. Just one, and I’ll gladly stop the hate. There aren’t any good reasons. Not his “game” (I use that word loosely here), not his attitude, NOTHING.

People complain about how much the Yankees are paying for A-Rod, Teixeira and CC? America should be laughing at us for paying ANYTHING for Cody Ransom. Any type of contract short of him paying us should make us the laughing stock of the baseball world.

Cody Ransom is so incompetent that you’d swear his dad was President of the United States for him to still get AB’s. Is he George Steinbrenner’s secret love child with Suzyn Waldman? He’s got to be related to SOMEONE big for him to still get playing time.

I wonder what Yogi Berra has to say about Ransom. Yogi Berra used to give Derek Jeter sh*t for swinging and missing from time to time, I bet he’d beat the crap out of Ransom given the chance.

Seriously, YES Network, here’s an idea: interview Yogi Berra and ask him about his thoughts on Cody Ransom. Please.

Remember the days of this year’s Spring Training, when Cody Ransom looked somewhat decent and we thought that maybe he’ll have a career season? Yeah, neither do I anymore.

If Cody gets kidnapped, I would not pay his Ransom. Neither would anyone else in New York, or the world. I might pay the kidnapper to keep him. Come to think of it, no one would kidnap him because, just like his name on the roster, he’s a waste of space. The kidnapper probably has better things to stuff into the trunk of his car, like a flashlight, a tire iron, and a garbage bag full of dirty laundry.

Cody Ransom is so pathetic, that kidnappers all around the world are thinking of changing the name given to the sum of money paid in exchange for the release of hostages. The word “ransom” holds no value anymore.

I’m confused. I’m outraged and puzzled. Melky Cabrera and Phil Hughes were almost traded, yet Cody Ransom still gets playing time.

I can’t even say that Cody Ransom is Joe Girardi’s “Scott Proctor”, because at least I could understand why Joe Torre used Proctor. What the Hell is Joe Girardi thinking putting Ransom in there? I would rather see one of our bat boys filling in for an infielder needing an off day. At least when our bat boy messes up we can say “well, he’s a bat boy”.

I demand one of two things from the Yankee organization: either get Cody Ransom off of the roster, or start giving us discounts for every game we attend where Cody Ransom is playing. Somehow, paying the full price for a ticket when Ransom is in the lineup doesn’t seem fair.

In conclusion, I would like to say the following to Cody Ransom: This ain’t Kansas, Dorothy, wake the [expletive] up. Better yet, go back to Kansas, and stay there.

That’s the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The BeeBz Effect is in action! •••

I know, I know. I've been slacking.

I've been on vacation, so I haven't been blogging.

Worry not, my friends! I'm going to discipline myself and get my blog up and running. Who knows, maybe I'll get tons of followers? Maybe I won't. But this is a great way to let off some steam, or just make my opinions heard.

Back to the BeeBz Effect! Can you feel it?
The BeeBz Effect | TNB