My girl Haydee IM'ed me on AIM. She told me she was chatting to some guy pretending to be Johnny Damon. I was bored, so I asked for his SN. 30 minutes and a mind-f*ck later, this is what I ended up with:
*Remember one thing: I'm playing along like I believe that he's the real deal*
Me: Hi
"Him": hi
Me: I think my friend's playing a prank on me
"Him": who is this?
Me: You don't know me. But I'm a huge Yankees fan. My friend say that you're Johnny Damon.
Me: I think she's playing a prank on me.
"Him": and your friend is?
Me: Are you really Johnny Damon?
"Him": this is his team mate
"Him": he's in the club house, he was just outside for BP
Me: Oh wow. Which team mate?
"Him": AJ
Me: No. Me: Are you serious?!
"Him": yes I am
"Him": I'm just in a bad mood b/c CC decided not to show up to BP and I'm alone in the bullpen listening to Joba bitch about his mother and how girls are devils and how he cant drink and blah, might as well listen to Hughes blast Creed 24/7
Me: Well, I just wanna say that I love you and think you're awesome. Same goes for CC and Joba and Hughes. And every Yankee.
Me: Except for Cody Ransom.
Me: I don't like Cody Ransom.
"Him": okay then..
"Him": Cody is cool..do you wanna know the truth?
Me: I'm sure he's a fine human being. He just doesn't belong in pinstripes.
"Him": I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand..they talk to me.
Me: Are you sure you're not Johnny Damon?
"Him": ummmm positive
"Him": last I checked I wasn't Asian
Me: He's only half Asian. Me: So, how do I know you're the real AJ?
"Him": how do I know your not an obsessed stalker?
Me: I am obsessed, but I'm too lazy to be a stalker
"Him": okay..
[awkward silence]
"Him": hey hey, can I kill Sabathia?
Me: Um, no?
"Him": he came LATE
"Him": I had to listen to a bitching Joba, meh, at least Hughes was on the field practicing too..didn't need to hear My Own Prison and Human Clay over and over
"Him": oh and get this!
"Him": CC JUST CALLED RANDY ORTON QUEER!
"Him": fucking HHH fan
"Him": LMAO, Ransom is holding me hostage for well..ransom haha
Me: Don't pay it, he's not worth it.
"Him": no no..he's making CC pay
"Him": "a quarter of a billion dollars"
"Him": WTF? CC laughed and said I'm not worth it
"Him": shows that HHH fans know SHIT
"Him": do you know what Millar is doing?
"Him": he's humping the ground..
Me: I had no idea you were this weird, AJ.
"Him": I'm usually normal but I haven't had a cigarette today
"Him": Dr. Pettitte comfiscated them
Me: AJ, you shouldn't smoke. Dr. Pettitte is right.
"Him": I smoke because I'm stressed alot
Me: Why are you stressed? Is it because Michael Kay keeps mentioning your no-hitter every time you go the first two innings without giving up a hit?
"Him": no..
"Him": ummm try not seeing your two children grow up
"Him": or not waking up next to your wife every morning for half the year maybe then you'll be depressed alot
Me: The Pinstripes are worth it. You must think so, otherwise you wouldn't be a Yankee.
"Him": no..I need a cigarette "Him": tempted to go through CC's locker
Me: CC smokes too?
"Him": of course, I started smoking b/c of him
Me: Oh, really? Peer pressure?
"Him": haha 300lbs of pressure
Me: So what's the real story behind Cody Ransom?
"Him": rather not say
Me: Who did he sleep with to get the job?
"Him": oh shut up
Me: Come on, AJ. You can tell me, lol.
"Him": your making him sound like Alex
Me: Who did Alex sleep with to get the job?
"Him": everyone, lmao
Me: Well, at least Alex gets some. Unlike cody.
"Him": you wanna start?
"Him": Cody happens to be my other best friend
Me: Good for you. I sincerely congratulate you on that.
[awkward silence]
Me: So, AJ, what's Derek Jeter really like?
"Him": why..wanna know his size now too?
"Him": oh and sorry, I don't look at guys
Me: Um, not exactly what I was asking. But it wouldn't hurt to know, lol.
Me: I was asking more about his personality.
"Him": i said I don't look at guys
Me: OK then. Don't be so homophobic.
"Him": okay, Cody is seriously possessed or something
Me: Really? Who would have thought that Ransom is possessed?
"Him": I have my hand on his stomach to keep him from getting up b/c Alex is talking shit to us and he's cracking up yelling "STOP TICKLING ME" yet my fingers aren't moving
Me: Wow. What a weirdo.
"Him": apparantly Scranton/Wilkes-Barre doesn't want him or told him he wasn't playing so he came back to Toronto
"Him": either that or something happened that I dont know about
Me: Maybe he's waiting for the call from McDonald's.
"Him": Coach told him to go home but I told Coach off
Me: You told Joe Girardi off?
"Him": yes. aint the first time
Me: It doesn't surprise me that players tell Joe off.
Me: What did you say?
"Him": I told him that if he called security I'd let the world know about how he slept with the hookers using the team's money and got ghonorea (sp.)
"Him": I got it from some movie, I think it was Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
"Him": you missed the funniest shit earlier
Me: What happened earlier?
"Him": lets just say..there was almost an excorscism
Me: Cody Ransom?
"Him": this was before Cody arrived actually
Me: Please tell me more. I'm intrigued now.
"Him": out of nowhere Eric started acting possessed, like doing "Emily Rose" perfectly, they had to call 9-1-1 and everything
"Him": then they tried restraining him and he made his body start moving on its own
Me: Eric... as in Hinske?
"Him": yeah
"Him": we actually started believing him
"Him": then Hughes put the radio on and Eric sat up and said "dude, make Coheed louder"
Me: Wow, this is shocking. My Yankees are plagued with nut-jobs.
"Him": Eric isn't a nut job
"Him": it was hilarious
Me: How's Dave Eiland as a coach?
"Him": meh, I ignore coaches
"Him": haha, Swisher's yelling right now
Me: What's he saying?
"Him": "WHAT BITCH? YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THIS"
Me: Tell him to reply to me on Twitter.
"Him": Swish dont got Twit
Me: Yes Swish got Twit.
Me: AJ, I have one more question for you.
"Him": noww hat?
"Him": lmao..I typed too fast with one hand
"Him": now what?
Me: Do you think the Yankees will win the World Series this year?
"Him": fuck no
Me: And why not?
"Him": I think Boston will
Me: Thanks for chatting with me, AJ. It's been a pleasure. Weird freak.
[Closed the conversation. Then I get IM'ed again. I let it run for a bit before I answered]
"Him": hey...
"Him": what's up?
"Him": do you know why aj told me to get on here and keep cody in the bullpen?
"Him": he's yelling at alex
"Him": i am so confused
"Him": hi beeeebzy
"Him": how'd you get my s/n? i told aj not to talk to random people
"Him": why aren't you talking?
"Him": earth to bee
"Him": ahhh, great..fist fight in the club house
"Him": aj and alex
"Him": cc's fat ass is blocking the bullpen door so i cant see
"Him": apparantly aj told him to keep cody away
Me: Is this Damon now? I thought I closed this damn chat.
"Him": yes it is..i opened it again
"Him": i cant stay on much longer though
Me: Didn't think so.
"Him": yeah almost game time
Me: One question for you Damon.
"Him": whats up?
Me: Do you think the Yankees will win the World Series this year?
"Him": there's a good chance
"Him": it depends on how well we play now
Me: AJ seems to think your old team will win it again.
"Him": well, he's got a right to be concerned, they just got very good competition
"Him": martinez is one tough ball player
Me: You really do sound like Johnny Damon. Kudos.
"Him": that's because i am him
Me: Oh of course you are. I'm actually Kate, from Jon & Kate plus 8. Shocking, ain't it?
"Him": ummmmm..
Me: Where's your mom from?
"Him": thailand
Me: So she's a Bangkoker?
"Him": my father is from the usa
Me: Well good job. A+ on knowing the answer.
Me: Hey, Johnny...
"Him": yes?
Me: Start winning me some points, you're on my fantasy team.
"Him": okay
Me: And try to actually make a successful throw to the infield every once in a while.
"Him": okay..
Me: Thanks. Good luck! You weird freak.
[End conversation]
This guy/girl needs help. Seriously mental and emotional health. Who does something like this? Apparently he/she does this regularly, never gives up the act.
I'm convinced that this person is a Red Sox fan. No doubt about it.
This entire conversation has left me with absolutely no comment. I honestly believe it speaks for itself.
That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?
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