•• Who's afraid of the Big Bad 'Pen? ••

Last night's baseball was, well, forgettable to say the least. Mitre didn't have what it takes to get the win, and our hitters seemed to forget how to score against Halladay. While the baseball was forgettable, the non-baseball activities were not.

Bottom of the 8th inning, trouble began to stir. After Melancon had hit Aaron Hill with a pitch, Toronto decided to retaliate, and stupidly so. I love how the Blue Jays randomly decide to grow a pair, and every time they do, it ends up biting them in the ass.

Jesse Carlson, while facing Jorge Posada at the plate, chose to throw a pitch behind Jorge.

Tsk, tsk Carlson, don't you know that retaliation is for men? And when you faked looking disappointed at misplacing that pitch, were you trying to trick us into thinking it was an accident? Silly rabbit, tricks aren't for dicks.

With Jorge walking around in "oh no he didn't" strides and shouting "YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT"...

...both benches cleared.

Well, for the sake of accuracy, 1.5 benches cleared. The Yankees' bench was instantly out on the field, while half of the Blue Jays' bench skipped out too (let's not forget that 9 of their players were already out on the field, so they had no choice).


The other half of the bench? Click on the play button (and make sure your volume is on).

Don't they look scary? I pity the fool that has to fight them!
As one of my Twitter followers said today: I was just waiting for them to start snapping their fingers as they exited the bullpen. I don't know where they learned how to brawl, but their "clearing of the bench" looked like something straight out of a Broadway musical. They pranced about on the field, generally moving in the direction of the fight. In my head, all I could hear was "there's NO business like SHOW business like NO business I knoooow" as I saw them make their way onto the field. Jazz hands would have been very appropriate at that moment.

Perhaps their exit from the bullpen was inspired by West Side Story? I guess they assumed that people in New York City really do fight through choreographed dance moves. Poor guys, they thought that they would fit in.

So anyway, much to my disappointment, nothing happened. Both benches cleared and just stood there eyeballing each other. After both sides were warned, play resumed. Jorge worked a walk, and eventually scored.

As Posada was running back into the dugout after scoring, Jesse Carlson was standing in his way, so he shouldered him as he was running by.


Don't they teach pitchers to back up behind home plate? Why was Jesse Carlson near our dugout? He needed a back-hand pimp-slap for that alone.

Carlson then turned around and shouted something at Jorge.

Then all Hell broke loose.

Whatever Carlson said really got Posada going, and he ran back towards him. My guess is that Carlson shouted "YOUR WIFE'S A WHORE AND YOUR EARS ARE REALLY BIG". That would be enough to get Jorge going.

The umpire immediately ejected Jorge, but that made no difference and Posada kept charging, and proceeded to kick the crap out of the Toronto pitcher. While he was whooping Carlson's ass, Jorge said: "my ears are NOT big you mother f*cker, the catchers helmet makes them look that way!!!!"

Then both teams went at it. Basically, it was the Yankees beating the crap out of the Blue Jays in the fight, to somewhat relieve the tension built up from the Blue Jays beating the crap out of the Yankees in the game.


What you can't see in the pictures is Shelley Duncan dragging Rod Barajas by the catchers' vest and putting him in a choke-hold, and keeping him there. Personally, I think that Duncan did it just because he could. You gotta hand it to those Midwest boys, they don't mess around. I guess all that cow-tipping Shelley did growing up finally came in handy.

After several minutes, the fight ended, CC Sabathia lifted Jorge and carried him to the dugout...

... while Mariano Rivera got the final "Imma cut you, bitch" death-stare at the Jays.

I'd like to state here that in principle, I don't agree with brawls on the field. I think it's far more effective to whoop the other team's ass by beating them in the game.

Having said that, brawls sure are fun to watch! I found myself cheering our boys on while they beat the crap out of the Jays. My inner thug was awakened, and I wanted a piece of those Canadians myself. I also found myself rather freakishly aroused. There's something about brawls that really get me going......

*daydreams*

Um... back to the topic at hand.

The fight.

Every Yankee got a piece of the action. From Joba Chamberlain, to Nick Swisher, to Johnny Damon (who really got riled up), to Mark Teixeira - who went running in with his mouth open ready to take a bite out of someone. Even skinny-ass Edwar Ramirez got a few punches in. I found it funny that he ran in to break up the fight, when CC Sabathia could sneeze and send Edwar flying away. Ramirez got sucked into the fight and threw in a few punches that would make any fan proud. Respect.

The Blue Jays simply couldn't keep up. Our boys were enraged. Step on our turf and disrespect us like that? NOT ON OUR WATCH, BITCHES.

I don't care what anyone says, the Blue Jays were asking for it. If they can't handle the heat, then they shouldn't throw behind Jorge Posada. Had Cody Ransom been playing and Carlson threw behind him, he probably would have been applauded for it. But this is JORGE POSADA. You don't f*ck with the Hip Hip.

I want to know why Carlson thought throwing behind Jorge would be a good idea. It was obvious that Melancon didn't intentionally hit Hill; why would he? There was no need to. Melancon simply lost control of his pitch. He's known for that. And if Carlson insisted on throwing at Jorge, couldn't he have made it a little less obvious? I think Carlson was assuming that his Bullpen Posse would have his back. That kind of assumption is what gets you this:

So, in conclusion, if you ever want to let off some steam, grab a Toronto Blue Jay. They are wonderful punching bags.

Lessons learned:

1. When instigating a fight, make sure you have someone other than the Toronto Blue Jays bullpen pitchers to back you up.
2. Don't mess with Edwar Ramirez and his 60 lbs of fury.

My final thought? Well, I think what truly started the fight wasn't Carlson's throw behind Posada. It was the maple leaf on his sleeve.

Is that thing flipping us the bird??? OH NO HE DIDN'T......


That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The Official Cody Ransom Hate Post •••

Imagine you’re on vacation in Indonesia. You’re on the beach, you can feel the warm soft sand between your toes, you have an ice-cold beer in your hand, and you’re relaxing with your loved one, taking in the beautiful sun. Suddenly, you see a huge tsunami wave rising in the horizon. Can you imagine the sinking feeling of impending doom you’d get at that sight?

Now imagine you’re at Yankee Stadium on a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon. The crowd is cheering, the children are smiling, the Yankees are winning. You take a sip of your ice-cold beer, then suddenly you see Cody Ransom in the on-deck circle. Now, take the feeling you get at this sight, and compare it with the feeling you’d get facing a tsunami wave.

Almost identical.

I’m a fan of the New York Yankees. I take pride in the pinstripes I wear, and I’m thankful every day for being a Yankee. As a lifelong fan, I’m proud to say that never in my 25 years have I ever booed one of our players. I’m the type to find the positive side of any player, no matter how horrible they are.

I didn’t boo Irabu back in the day, I didn’t boo A-Rod when everyone else was, I didn’t boo Clemens when other fans were, and I didn’t even boo Carl Pavano.

Cody Ransom, however, has changed things for me. I cannot escape that feeling of impending doom every time I see him reach for his bat and helmet in the dugout. I cannot find any positive side to his existence.

This year, I’m at war with myself. On the one hand I believe in standing behind your team through thick and thin, but on the other hand I can NOT bring myself to stand behind Cody Ransom. While I support my team, win or lose, I can’t help but ooze hate when it comes to Cody.

What is he doing in New York? Why am I still seeing his skinny ass on the field? Isn’t it obvious that he doesn’t belong?

I’ve been airing my Ransom hatred out on Twitter, but I feel the need to go on a rant where I’m not limited to 140 characters per post. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Official Cody Ransom Hate Post.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy reading what most of you Yankees’ fans have been thinking.

I would like to know why Cody Ransom is still getting playing time. He can’t hit, he can’t get on base, he can’t play defensively, he makes errors left and right, and he doesn’t even have any sort of attitude: positive or negative.

I mean, come on dude, at least be a d*ck or something – give us SOMETHING to give a crap about. Nope, his personality off the field is just as insignificant as his numbers on the field.

Let’s look at those numbers, shall we?

BA / OBP / SLG : .190 / .256 / .329

This, of course, is in 79 plate appearances. In 79 AB’s, he’s had no home runs, 5 singles, 9 doubles and 1 triple. There ya go, your .190 avg. He’s also drawn a whopping 7 walks! Which explains his OBP.

Let’s not stop there, folks. In 79 Abs, Cody Ransom has struck out 25 times. 25 TIMES! So his God damn SO percentage is .316!

Seriously? This man is considered a utility player for the New York Yankees? Wait, let me rephrase that: he’s considered a player? What sport is he playing? Because from where I’m sitting, it sure as Hell doesn’t look like he’s playing baseball.

Signing players like Cody Ransom really ticks me off. He’s 33 years old, can’t play for [expletive], and whatever future he has ahead of him probably involves asking the question “would you like fries with that?”

Honestly, why the Hell is he a Yankee? The guy is 33 years old, and I can’t even give him the honor of calling him a has-been because HE NEVER REALLY WAS!

We have Gardner, Hinske, Ramiro, and even Shelley Duncan (who isn’t really ready yet for a permanent utility role but he’s better than [expletive] Ransom) to name a few. WHY THE HELL IS CODY RANSOM STILL GETTING PLAYING TIME?

You can’t even give him the benefit of saying that he’s going through a slump. It ain’t a slump if it’s been going on your entire career – it’s just plain sucking.

What pisses me off even more is that I don’t know whom to blame anymore.

Do I blame Cashman for the signing?

Do I blame Girardi for sending him out onto the field? (Sidenote: what’s next, Joe? Are you going to send him out to pinch hit?)

Do I blame myself for watching him?

Do I blame the beer guy for refusing to give me enough beer to make Cody Ransom seem decent?

Who do I freaking blame?

I need answers, America. I need some God damn answers. How can he even sit in the same dugout as the rest of our team?

It hit me hard yesterday when I realized that his 0-for-0 performance was probably one of his best performances this year. At least he got on base by pinch running for a pinch hitter who was walked. Crack open the champagne! Cody Ransom got on base! Run, Cody, Run!

Oh yeah we’re getting our money’s worth when Cody Ransom makes it on base once a month. We could have paid him a pack of cigarettes for his contract, and we still wouldn’t be getting our money’s worth.

Call me what you will. Say that I’m a spoiled fan. Say I’m obnoxious for hating him. I don’t give two craps. When I pay $350 to go to a game, and another $100 or so to follow the Yankees online when I’m not in New York, I believe I have the right to hate players like Cody Ransom.

Someone give me one good reason why Ransom is still on the active roster. One reason. Just one, and I’ll gladly stop the hate. There aren’t any good reasons. Not his “game” (I use that word loosely here), not his attitude, NOTHING.

People complain about how much the Yankees are paying for A-Rod, Teixeira and CC? America should be laughing at us for paying ANYTHING for Cody Ransom. Any type of contract short of him paying us should make us the laughing stock of the baseball world.

Cody Ransom is so incompetent that you’d swear his dad was President of the United States for him to still get AB’s. Is he George Steinbrenner’s secret love child with Suzyn Waldman? He’s got to be related to SOMEONE big for him to still get playing time.

I wonder what Yogi Berra has to say about Ransom. Yogi Berra used to give Derek Jeter sh*t for swinging and missing from time to time, I bet he’d beat the crap out of Ransom given the chance.

Seriously, YES Network, here’s an idea: interview Yogi Berra and ask him about his thoughts on Cody Ransom. Please.

Remember the days of this year’s Spring Training, when Cody Ransom looked somewhat decent and we thought that maybe he’ll have a career season? Yeah, neither do I anymore.

If Cody gets kidnapped, I would not pay his Ransom. Neither would anyone else in New York, or the world. I might pay the kidnapper to keep him. Come to think of it, no one would kidnap him because, just like his name on the roster, he’s a waste of space. The kidnapper probably has better things to stuff into the trunk of his car, like a flashlight, a tire iron, and a garbage bag full of dirty laundry.

Cody Ransom is so pathetic, that kidnappers all around the world are thinking of changing the name given to the sum of money paid in exchange for the release of hostages. The word “ransom” holds no value anymore.

I’m confused. I’m outraged and puzzled. Melky Cabrera and Phil Hughes were almost traded, yet Cody Ransom still gets playing time.

I can’t even say that Cody Ransom is Joe Girardi’s “Scott Proctor”, because at least I could understand why Joe Torre used Proctor. What the Hell is Joe Girardi thinking putting Ransom in there? I would rather see one of our bat boys filling in for an infielder needing an off day. At least when our bat boy messes up we can say “well, he’s a bat boy”.

I demand one of two things from the Yankee organization: either get Cody Ransom off of the roster, or start giving us discounts for every game we attend where Cody Ransom is playing. Somehow, paying the full price for a ticket when Ransom is in the lineup doesn’t seem fair.

In conclusion, I would like to say the following to Cody Ransom: This ain’t Kansas, Dorothy, wake the [expletive] up. Better yet, go back to Kansas, and stay there.

That’s the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?