•• METS: More Entertaining Than Suicide ••

Every day, Mets fans reaffirm my faith in their pettiness.

Sometimes I try to sympathize with them and feel their pain. After all, it must really suck to be second-rate in New York. I sort of know the feeling of inferiority as a Jets fan, but there is no way I would ever dream of acting the way Mets fans do. Maybe because the Giants, while being the more successful football team in New York, are in no way comparable to the Yankees. Or maybe it's because I'm not a pathetic emo sadist by nature. Either way, I would never be as pathetic as Mets fans are today.

I remember the Super Bowl a couple of years ago, when the Giants played the Patriots. Our division rivals vs. our city rivals. Not a single Jets fan even considered rooting for the Patriots. Even though we knew that Giants fans would shove their Super Bowl win down our throats and rub salt in our wounds, there was no way we could root for Boston over New York. At most, we'd be neutral and not care about who won.

Let's go back to the 1986 World Series. I was only two years old so I don't remember it, but my father tells me that he rooted for the Mets against the Red Sox. As did many Yankees fans I know.

At the end of the day, it's New York over Boston. I probably wouldn't root for the Mets against the Twins or even the Rays. Actually, I definitely wouldn't root for the Mets against any team other than Boston.

So, in the (seemingly unlikely) event of another Mets-Red Sox World Series, I would root for the Mets.

This isn't the case with Mets fans.

Honestly, while this blog post may seem like I want Mets fans to root for the Yankees, I really couldn't care less who they go for. In fact, I don't want them rooting for the Yankees. I'm too scared that a few of them might enjoy the new feeling of cheering for winners, and choose stick around and become Yankees fans, thus infecting our otherwise Winner-filled gene pool.

Having said that, I read an article this morning that got me interested in who the Mets were rooting for in this year's World Series. Since I was bored without any baseball to watch, and since it was a slow Yankees news day (except for the two changes to our roster), I decided to calm my anxiety about tomorrow's game with a bit of comic relief. I decided to read a few Mets' blogs to see what they had to say about the 2009 Yankees-Phillies World Series.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes, and my thoughts about them. Enjoy.

•••

The first thing I read was the article I mentioned before. While there were several funny to what Mets fans are hoping for this World Series, this one was the funniest:

“I hope it rains for 40 days and 40 nights”

This quote comes from an owner of a bar near Citi Field. He couldn't bring himself to choose between the Yankees and the Phillies, so he hopes the World Series never gets played. He continued to say that he'll show the 1986 World Series on one of the televisions in his bar.

Wow, talk about living in the past. Not only is he trying to relive the Mets' glory days, he's also trying to be clever. The Mets' division rivals are facing their city rivals? He's going to show the game in which the Yankees' division rivals faced their city rivals.

Sad part is: we didn't really give a damn then, and we don't really give a damn now.

Next idiot, please.

•••

This picture was posted on a Mets' blog addressing the dilemma that Mets fans seem to be facing.

If you ignore the poor Photoshop job and the fact that it says "Autumn 2004", the picture states a fact: "Whoever wins... we lose".

That's pretty much always the case for the New York Mets, no matter who's in the World Series. No matter who wins, no matter who plays, especially if the Mets are playing, the Mets lose. It really makes no difference what is going on in baseball, the Mets always lose. Even when they win, they somehow manage to lose. So kudos to the blogger for reaching the correct conclusion.

Stupidity Overload. Must move on to new victim.

•••

One of my favorites has to be the blog entry "Satan's Series". I encourage you all to click on that link and read it. It's pretty funny in a sad way.

This blogger is the epitome of the word Pathetic (yes, with a capital P). In his blog post, "Metsradamus" or - as I like to call him - Metsradumbass, basically claims that the world is coming to an end starting Wednesday.

"But this, my friends, is Baseball Armageddon. There is no happy ending. Satan has been unleashed. The minions have arrived on earth. The Mayan calendar has ended little more than three years earlier than expected. The world will never be the same. And the next two weeks are going to be the worst two weeks on earth."

Armageddon. Interesting point of view. While Metsradumbass may be slightly exaggerating in his blog post, I think that most Mets fans feel something similar to this.

Wow, being second-rate sure has messed them up mentally.

The worst two weeks on Earth? Really? I see. I see. A Yankees-Phillies World Series is obviously worse than all the tsunamis, wars, terrorist attacks, H1N1/SARS outbreaks, genocides and famines that the world has to offer. Very strong point, Metsradumbass.

As if the 2009 season wasn't bad enough for Mets' fans, a Yankees-Phillies World Series just adds insult to injury. Pun very much intended. Apparently this "insult" was way too much for them to handle, because they finally snapped.

So, what's Metsradumbass' solution for this problem?

"I'm boycotting the 2009 World Series, and pulling all Met fans around the world out of it. You may not like it, but it's for your own good."

So basically, if you hide out and ignore what's going on around you, it means that nothing is really happening. Ah, the good old "George W" way of thinking. Kudos to you, Metsradamus.

•••

This next blogger actually breaks it down for us. In her blog post she explains, logically, why the Mets would never root for the Yankees, not even in support for their city. Here it is:

"I understand that Yankees fans feel morally superior to us because they can, on occasion, root for the Mets... Still, everyone needs to understand that Mets fans can’t ever root for the Yankees because for us, the dynamic is so much more complicated. The Mets mean nothing to the Yankees. The Yankees mean a great deal to the Mets. We are the slighted younger brother. We are Cain and they are Abel. Hating them is central to who and what we are. Think of it, Mets fan. What will it feel like to you to hear them celebrating their 27^th World Championship in this year of all years in Mets history?"

I actually appreciate this lady's honesty. Finally, a Mets fan that admits the truth. They hate us because we're superior. Their inferiority-complexed fan base wants to see us lose and suffer because, for one brief moment, they can fantasize about being our equals.

But, you see, it's too late for them to fantasize about that. We're already the champions of our league, so we've already trumped their season. Oh, Hell. Reaching the .500 mark halfway through this season trumped their season.

Sorry, I digress.

The following quote from the same blog entry is something I wish all Yankee-haters will read and understand:

"Who would you rather see get more obnoxious, Phillies fans or Yankees fans? And hey, why shouldn’t these people be obnoxious? They’ve earned it. We just wish we could be this obnoxious to them. We’re resentful that we can’t be."

That's right, haters. We're obnoxious. Why? Because we're successful.

Let me take this opportunity to explain that any sort of reference to success is seen as "obnoxious" by fans of other teams. So, we're obnoxious because we've had a whole damn lot of success.

•••

One blogger on one Mets' blog had this to say:

"I hate the Phillies, just not nearly as much and for not nearly as long [as the Yankees]. Someday the Phillies will suck again and we won't care about them any more than we care on a given day about any particular National League opponent. The Yankees will still be the Yankees."

Why, thank you, sir. Thank you for pointing out that, while other teams rise and fall, the Yankees will remain on top. By talking about your hate for the Yankees, you actually complimented them. Kudos to you.

•••

Dennis McCarthy from the Mets blog Mike's Mets started off by asking his readers the following question:

"We know now how Yankee fans must have felt heading into the 1986 World Series. The Mets against the Red Sox? Who does a Yankee fan root for?"

It's simple, we root for the Mets. That's a no-brainer. New York over Boston any day. We always have and always will be a "New York over Boston" fan base.

He goes on to "grudgingly" talk about the positives of both teams and hint at the fact that both teams deserve to be in the World Series.

Then, he concludes with this:

"Ultimately, though, the team I'm rooting for, albeit unenthusiastically, is the team with less obnoxious fans. That's saying quite a lot, when given these two fan bases. One anonymous Yankee fan was quoted thusly on a network radio newscast last night: "Woooo! It's about time! Six years is too long!" There's no way the average Yankee fan can realize how condescending and pompous that attitude sounds to fans of the other 29 teams. The players on every team fight every year to get to the World Series. Yankee fans expect it every year. That sense of entitlement is why I'm a Phillies fan for the next ten days.

But really, I'm praying for a seven-game series, a lot of extra innings, cold, wind, rain, sleet, and a touch of pneumonia on both sides."

There they go using the O-Word again. Calling us obnoxious simply because we have our eyes set on the trophy every single year.

Yes, every fan base wants the trophy, but only a few teams have a realistic shot at getting it. It's not our fault that the Yankees have a legitimate shot at the World Series every single year. If more fan bases acted like we do and expected nothing less than the best, then maybe more team owners will do whatever it takes to keep the fans happy. Maybe, just maybe, other teams will one day reach our level of success.

If stating the obvious (that we should win it all) makes us obnoxious, and if stating the facts (that we deserve to win it all) gives us a "sense of entitlement", then I guess I'm an obnoxious douchebag brat with a sense of entitlement.

Also, if Dennis thinks that pneumonia will hold us back, then he must think we're the 2009 Mets.

•••

So, the general consensus among Mets fans is that we run New York. They hate us because we're successful, and they hate themselves for being pathetic.

Sometimes I start to feel sorry for them, being stuck in a city where they have no chance of ever being number one. That pity is quickly erased as soon as one of their idiot fans says "Reyes is better than Jeter". The pity immediately turns into mockery, and I'm suddenly happy that they suck.

Mets fans will go through Hell over the next ten days or so, as they try hard to choose the lesser of two evils. Judging by a few of their blogs, they're more likely to jump off the Queensborough Bridge than they are to ever be satisfied with their existence.

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• How about you kiss my ass 999 times? ••

It's 09/09/09. We get it. Just like it was 08/08/08 last year, 07/07/07 the year before, 06/06/06 the year before that, and so on. I promise you, we f*cking get it.

Is it a cool date? Yes it is. Is it rare to have the same digits across the shortened date? Happens only 12 times a century. Is it worth all the craziness that ensues? Hell no.

I refuse to give into the hype, as I have for the past 9 years.

People get ridiculous with this crap. Sending me e-mails like "Don't forget to make a wish at 9:09! God will listen!". What kind of God only listens to me twice a day 12 times a century? That's some Grade-A bullsh*t right there. Surely God doesn't wait until it's those 12 times a century when the date is homogeneous before he listens to a prayer.

Even more annoying are the greetings.
Random person: "Happy 09-09-09!"
Me: "Kill yourself."

Why are we celebrating this day? What accomplishment was achieved on this day? Wow, we've been able to count the days for long enough to get to 09/09/09 once again! Let's celebrate and make The Count from Sesame Street proud! 1..... 2..... 3..... 4..... 5..... 6..... 7..... 8..... 9..... 9 years! Aahahahaha!

The world has gone mad. People get hyped up over the silliest things. People were so into this 09/09/09 business today, that they didn't even realize they were being absolute idiots.

I'm sure many of you have come across some weird behavior today and have a few stories of your own. So, I'd like to sympathize with all of you who have experienced madness on this ordinary day by sharing some of the weird "999" things that happened to me at work today.

Enjoy the pure stupidity of what you are about to read.

•••

I was walking into my office building this morning. As I normally do, I stopped at the security desk to have my bag checked and swipe my ID card. As I walked up to the security guard, I greeted him with "good morning". He then responded with "good morning!" and repeated his greeting over and over. I started to get a little scared, and asked myself why on Earth he sounded like a broken record. I started wondering if maybe I had too much to drink last night, or if one of my drinks was spiked with ecstasy or 'shrooms. Once he stopped greeting me, I asked him why he repeated himself so many times. He said "I'm greeting everyone 9 times today, because it's 999!"

Hmmm... how about you kiss my ass 999 times?

I shook this craziness off, and suddenly realized the coffee that I bought on my way to work wasn't going to be enough. I took the elevator up to my floor, and walked out to be greeted by the receptionist. With a big smile she said to me "happy oh-nine oh-nine oh-nine". Not you too, Sandra. I completely ignored her greeting and said good morning. As I reached to take an M&M from her large M&M bowl, she said to me "make sure you take 9". When I said I only wanted one, she replied to me saying "you're so silly, you have to take 9, because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I slap the 'silly' out of you 999 times?

As I made my way to my office, I passed by my boss who was walking around with a cup of coffee, his hands were shaking and his eyes were wide open. I said good morning to him, and he responded with a loud and overly enthusiastic "HEY!!!!!", that startled me more than I care to be startled at 7:30 in the morning. I asked if he was feeling alright, he said "I'm working on my 6th cup of coffee!!! I want to have 9 cups before 9:09am because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about 999 ass-whoopings to mix in with your coffee?

My office is relatively close to the elevator. I chose it when I first got here. I like to walk in and out with as little interaction with the morons on my floor as possible. I happen to work on the 9th floor of our building. All day I kept hearing the annoying *ding* of the elevator. We were having an unusual amount of visitors today. I walked out and asked one of the guys in the cubicles what was going on. He said "people are visiting our floor, the 9th floor, for luck, because of 999".

Hmmm... how about I hand 999 bitch-slaps to the next 9 fools that visit this floor?

Every working environment has a pervert. He's the guy who mentally undresses you every time he looks at you. The guy who never does anything overt enough to report as sexual harassment, but still makes you feel dirty every time you're in his presence. Today, our designated office pervert came up to me and said "you should have 9 orgasms today because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I kick you in the nuts 999 times?

I needed to finalize some paperwork for a major contract I just landed, and I needed the help of the accounting department to do so. I called up Susan, the accountant I had been working with on this project, and asked her if she could come up to my office for a while. She showed up to my office wearing cat ears. I stared at her for a few seconds, wondering why the Hell she decided to wear cat ears to work. After pondering at relative length on why she would do such a thing, I asked her the reason. She replied in a tone that gave off the impression that my question was ridiculous and the answer should be clear. She said to me "because cats have 9 lives and today is 999".

::blank 'The Office'-style stare into the camera::

Hmmm... how about I smack you in the face with those ears 999 times?

Later on during the day, I heard one of the interns dialing a number and hanging up. He had the phone's speaker on, and I could hear that whatever number he was dialing had the same digit repeated 7 times. He dialed the number over and over, each time laughing then hanging up. I stepped out of my office and asked him what on Earth he was doing, he said to me "I'm calling 999-9999, 9 times, because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I shove that receiver up your ass 999 times?

The icing on the cake, the tip of the iceberg, the drop that made the pot overflow, came towards the end of the day. I had finalized all the paperwork for the contract I'd been working on, and needed 7 photocopies of a document to send to certain people in the organization. I asked my secretary to make the photocopies for me. She came back with 9 copies. When I said to her I only asked for 7 copies, she said "I'm doing everything in 9's today, because it's 999".


At that point, I decided it was time for me to pack up and go home. Had I stayed at work any longer, I would have shot 999 bullets off at everyone on my floor.


That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?