The BeeBz Effect

• 'New York, New York' Parody: Yankees Of New York •

2009-10-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

Click play and sing these lyrics to the tune!

Start spreading the news

it's World Series Game Day.

The Yankees are a part of it

in New York, New York.

They'll take to the field,

for the trophy they'll play.

They'll put some soul and heart in it,

in New York, New York.

I want to wake up to the Yankees

in the lead.

And find we've beaten the Phils,

we will succeed.

My '08 blues,

have melted away.

We made a brand new start of it,

in old New York.

Our mission starts today,

we'll take it all the way.

It's up to you,

Yankees of New York.

I want to wake up to the Yankees

in the lead.

And find we've beaten the Phils,

taken the game,

we will succeed,

we'll beat the Phils.

My '08 blues,

have melted away.

We made a brand new start of it,

right here in New York.

Our mission starts today,

we'll take it all the way....

It's... up... to... YOU

Yankees of.... NEW YORK!

•• METS: More Entertaining Than Suicide ••

2009-10-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Every day, Mets fans reaffirm my faith in their pettiness.

Sometimes I try to sympathize with them and feel their pain. After all, it must really suck to be second-rate in New York. I sort of know the feeling of inferiority as a Jets fan, but there is no way I would ever dream of acting the way Mets fans do. Maybe because the Giants, while being the more successful football team in New York, are in no way comparable to the Yankees. Or maybe it's because I'm not a pathetic emo sadist by nature. Either way, I would never be as pathetic as Mets fans are today.

I remember the Super Bowl a couple of years ago, when the Giants played the Patriots. Our division rivals vs. our city rivals. Not a single Jets fan even considered rooting for the Patriots. Even though we knew that Giants fans would shove their Super Bowl win down our throats and rub salt in our wounds, there was no way we could root for Boston over New York. At most, we'd be neutral and not care about who won.

Let's go back to the 1986 World Series. I was only two years old so I don't remember it, but my father tells me that he rooted for the Mets against the Red Sox. As did many Yankees fans I know.

At the end of the day, it's New York over Boston. I probably wouldn't root for the Mets against the Twins or even the Rays. Actually, I definitely wouldn't root for the Mets against any team other than Boston.

So, in the (seemingly unlikely) event of another Mets-Red Sox World Series, I would root for the Mets.

This isn't the case with Mets fans.

Honestly, while this blog post may seem like I want Mets fans to root for the Yankees, I really couldn't care less who they go for. In fact, I don't want them rooting for the Yankees. I'm too scared that a few of them might enjoy the new feeling of cheering for winners, and choose stick around and become Yankees fans, thus infecting our otherwise Winner-filled gene pool.

Having said that, I read an article this morning that got me interested in who the Mets were rooting for in this year's World Series. Since I was bored without any baseball to watch, and since it was a slow Yankees news day (except for the two changes to our roster), I decided to calm my anxiety about tomorrow's game with a bit of comic relief. I decided to read a few Mets' blogs to see what they had to say about the 2009 Yankees-Phillies World Series.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes, and my thoughts about them. Enjoy.

•••

The first thing I read was the article I mentioned before. While there were several funny to what Mets fans are hoping for this World Series, this one was the funniest:

“I hope it rains for 40 days and 40 nights”

This quote comes from an owner of a bar near Citi Field. He couldn't bring himself to choose between the Yankees and the Phillies, so he hopes the World Series never gets played. He continued to say that he'll show the 1986 World Series on one of the televisions in his bar.

Wow, talk about living in the past. Not only is he trying to relive the Mets' glory days, he's also trying to be clever. The Mets' division rivals are facing their city rivals? He's going to show the game in which the Yankees' division rivals faced their city rivals.

Sad part is: we didn't really give a damn then, and we don't really give a damn now.

Next idiot, please.

•••

This picture was posted on a Mets' blog addressing the dilemma that Mets fans seem to be facing.

If you ignore the poor Photoshop job and the fact that it says "Autumn 2004", the picture states a fact: "Whoever wins... we lose".

That's pretty much always the case for the New York Mets, no matter who's in the World Series. No matter who wins, no matter who plays, especially if the Mets are playing, the Mets lose. It really makes no difference what is going on in baseball, the Mets always lose. Even when they win, they somehow manage to lose. So kudos to the blogger for reaching the correct conclusion.

Stupidity Overload. Must move on to new victim.

•••

One of my favorites has to be the blog entry "Satan's Series". I encourage you all to click on that link and read it. It's pretty funny in a sad way.

This blogger is the epitome of the word Pathetic (yes, with a capital P). In his blog post, "Metsradamus" or - as I like to call him - Metsradumbass, basically claims that the world is coming to an end starting Wednesday.

"But this, my friends, is Baseball Armageddon. There is no happy ending. Satan has been unleashed. The minions have arrived on earth. The Mayan calendar has ended little more than three years earlier than expected. The world will never be the same. And the next two weeks are going to be the worst two weeks on earth."

Armageddon. Interesting point of view. While Metsradumbass may be slightly exaggerating in his blog post, I think that most Mets fans feel something similar to this.

Wow, being second-rate sure has messed them up mentally.

The worst two weeks on Earth? Really? I see. I see. A Yankees-Phillies World Series is obviously worse than all the tsunamis, wars, terrorist attacks, H1N1/SARS outbreaks, genocides and famines that the world has to offer. Very strong point, Metsradumbass.

As if the 2009 season wasn't bad enough for Mets' fans, a Yankees-Phillies World Series just adds insult to injury. Pun very much intended. Apparently this "insult" was way too much for them to handle, because they finally snapped.

So, what's Metsradumbass' solution for this problem?

"I'm boycotting the 2009 World Series, and pulling all Met fans around the world out of it. You may not like it, but it's for your own good."

So basically, if you hide out and ignore what's going on around you, it means that nothing is really happening. Ah, the good old "George W" way of thinking. Kudos to you, Metsradamus.

•••

This next blogger actually breaks it down for us. In her blog post she explains, logically, why the Mets would never root for the Yankees, not even in support for their city. Here it is:

"I understand that Yankees fans feel morally superior to us because they can, on occasion, root for the Mets... Still, everyone needs to understand that Mets fans can’t ever root for the Yankees because for us, the dynamic is so much more complicated. The Mets mean nothing to the Yankees. The Yankees mean a great deal to the Mets. We are the slighted younger brother. We are Cain and they are Abel. Hating them is central to who and what we are. Think of it, Mets fan. What will it feel like to you to hear them celebrating their 27^th World Championship in this year of all years in Mets history?"

I actually appreciate this lady's honesty. Finally, a Mets fan that admits the truth. They hate us because we're superior. Their inferiority-complexed fan base wants to see us lose and suffer because, for one brief moment, they can fantasize about being our equals.

But, you see, it's too late for them to fantasize about that. We're already the champions of our league, so we've already trumped their season. Oh, Hell. Reaching the .500 mark halfway through this season trumped their season.

Sorry, I digress.

The following quote from the same blog entry is something I wish all Yankee-haters will read and understand:

"Who would you rather see get more obnoxious, Phillies fans or Yankees fans? And hey, why shouldn’t these people be obnoxious? They’ve earned it. We just wish we could be this obnoxious to them. We’re resentful that we can’t be."

That's right, haters. We're obnoxious. Why? Because we're successful.

Let me take this opportunity to explain that any sort of reference to success is seen as "obnoxious" by fans of other teams. So, we're obnoxious because we've had a whole damn lot of success.

•••

One blogger on one Mets' blog had this to say:

"I hate the Phillies, just not nearly as much and for not nearly as long [as the Yankees]. Someday the Phillies will suck again and we won't care about them any more than we care on a given day about any particular National League opponent. The Yankees will still be the Yankees."

Why, thank you, sir. Thank you for pointing out that, while other teams rise and fall, the Yankees will remain on top. By talking about your hate for the Yankees, you actually complimented them. Kudos to you.

•••

Dennis McCarthy from the Mets blog Mike's Mets started off by asking his readers the following question:

"We know now how Yankee fans must have felt heading into the 1986 World Series. The Mets against the Red Sox? Who does a Yankee fan root for?"

It's simple, we root for the Mets. That's a no-brainer. New York over Boston any day. We always have and always will be a "New York over Boston" fan base.

He goes on to "grudgingly" talk about the positives of both teams and hint at the fact that both teams deserve to be in the World Series.

Then, he concludes with this:

"Ultimately, though, the team I'm rooting for, albeit unenthusiastically, is the team with less obnoxious fans. That's saying quite a lot, when given these two fan bases. One anonymous Yankee fan was quoted thusly on a network radio newscast last night: "Woooo! It's about time! Six years is too long!" There's no way the average Yankee fan can realize how condescending and pompous that attitude sounds to fans of the other 29 teams. The players on every team fight every year to get to the World Series. Yankee fans expect it every year. That sense of entitlement is why I'm a Phillies fan for the next ten days.

But really, I'm praying for a seven-game series, a lot of extra innings, cold, wind, rain, sleet, and a touch of pneumonia on both sides."

There they go using the O-Word again. Calling us obnoxious simply because we have our eyes set on the trophy every single year.

Yes, every fan base wants the trophy, but only a few teams have a realistic shot at getting it. It's not our fault that the Yankees have a legitimate shot at the World Series every single year. If more fan bases acted like we do and expected nothing less than the best, then maybe more team owners will do whatever it takes to keep the fans happy. Maybe, just maybe, other teams will one day reach our level of success.

If stating the obvious (that we should win it all) makes us obnoxious, and if stating the facts (that we deserve to win it all) gives us a "sense of entitlement", then I guess I'm an obnoxious douchebag brat with a sense of entitlement.

Also, if Dennis thinks that pneumonia will hold us back, then he must think we're the 2009 Mets.

•••

So, the general consensus among Mets fans is that we run New York. They hate us because we're successful, and they hate themselves for being pathetic.

Sometimes I start to feel sorry for them, being stuck in a city where they have no chance of ever being number one. That pity is quickly erased as soon as one of their idiot fans says "Reyes is better than Jeter". The pity immediately turns into mockery, and I'm suddenly happy that they suck.

Mets fans will go through Hell over the next ten days or so, as they try hard to choose the lesser of two evils. Judging by a few of their blogs, they're more likely to jump off the Queensborough Bridge than they are to ever be satisfied with their existence.

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• I Hate The Rain •••

2009-10-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

I hate the rain. I really do.

Ever notice how rain always ruins things? Picnics, weekends, Yankees games.

Rain sucks.

I was so pumped about tonight's game. I was ready to see Andy Pettitte go out there and dominate like he normally does in the postseason. I was ready to see us own the Angels at home. Or at least that was what I was hoping to see.

We've already waited a day since Game 5, now we have to wait another day until Game 6. I honestly don't know how I'll be able to wait until then. The anxiety is killing me!

It's moments like these that make me wish life was like a DVD where you can just skip to the next chapter. I really wanna know how this ALCS ends! I don't want to wait another day! This is too much!

This mysterious Penne that just showed up in my fridge is really delicious. Sorry, I digress.

So, now we wait another day. That means, if we go to Game 7, we'll probably face Lackey. It also means that if we win Game 7, we'll be playing Game 1 of the World Series after only a day's rest. Fantastic. I guess we better win Game 6.

I hate the fact that we had to wait a day before Game 5. What was the point of that? It's not like we've never played 3 games in a row before. Hello! It's baseball!

Now I'm wide awake, it's 3a.m. here in Dubai, and I have no baseball to watch. This sucks. At least if it were the regular season, I'd be able to turn over to a Mets game and laugh at them. But no one else is playing in the postseason. The Phillies are just resting up and waiting to see who they'll face.

Boy, those Phillies sure are lucky, aren't they? They've been resting since Wednesday or whenever. They'll go into the World Series fully rested, while whoever wins the ALCS (I'm not going to even say that we will. No jinx) will be exhausted. How is that even fair? I'd understand if the delay was just because neither AL team could win it in 5 games, but tonight's delay is because of the weather. That just sucks.

I think the Phillies should go ahead and start playing Game 1 of the World Series without the AL team. It's alright, they're an NL team, we'll catch up.

What's also pissing me off is that now I've lost my excuse to call into work sick tomorrow. Damn you, rain. Damn you to Hell.

Girardi has already announced that he's sticking with Andy Pettitte for tomorrow, but will this 24-hour delay make him second-guess the lineup he's set? I hope not. I, for one, am glad that he's stuck with our generic lineup. Yes, I'm even glad he's stuck with Nick Swisher. I have a gut feeling that Swisher's going to explode in Game 6. Or maybe my gut is telling me that he's going to implode? No. No. Explode. Definitely explode.

Oh crap, I'm Middle Eastern. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about things exploding on the internet. Oh sh*t, I just pointed it out that my blog might seem suspicious. Oh dung, why can't I just shut up? Oh poo. Homeland security is on my ass now probably. I better not get arrested before I see the end of the ALCS. Otherwise I'm gonna have to kick some ass, Bronx-style!

No, ladies and gentlemen, I am not high. I'm a little tipsy, but that's neither here nor there. I'm just bored. I'm wide awake, completely disappointed about the game being postponed, and I'm more than a little slap-happy.

Anyway, I should probably stop typing now. In conclusion: rain sucks.

Until we meet again, after Game 6 of the ALCS....

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Don't Blame It On The G •••

2009-10-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

Last night's game was, well, anticlimactic to say the least.

I don't know what to say about the game that hasn't already been said. A lot of things were shouted in the heat of the moment last night, which is understandable. I said a few things I wish I could take back, so I understand the passion from which last night's anger arose.

Now that we've all had the chance to calm down and get a good night's rest (or morning's rest in my situation), we can think about last night's game - and this series as a whole - more clearly. There are a few points I would like to address in this post, so bear with me.

Let me start off by saying that no one has criticized Joe Girardi's bullpen management more than I have this season. Like I've said time and time again (a few of my posts on this blog show it), he always seems a little too eager to show his Tony Larussa-esque nature. I was never a fan of "Bullpen Micromanagement", and the thought of "Lefty Specialists" makes me cringe. I was never one to enjoy mixing and matching pitchers to hitters, so Joe Girardi's "style" isn't adhering to my taste.

Having said all of that, let me get to the first point I'd like to address: Last night's loss was not Joe Girardi's fault.

I may criticize Girardi, but I'm also fair. In Game 5 of the 2009 American League Championship Series, Joe Girardi did everything right.

He was patient with A.J. Burnett, even after he gave up 4 runs in the 1st inning. Even I was calling for Burnett to be yanked out of the game (I am ashamed of this, but it was in the heat of the moment). He left A.J. in to work his way out of trouble, and rightfully so. From the 2nd inning onwards, Burnett was pure gold. He left him in until the 7th inning, and then removed him after the first two runners reached. The result? A.J. Burnett was in line for a win after our offense exploded. That, in itself, was a victory for Girardi last night.
We ended up losing the game, so Burnett obviously didn't get the win, but the fact that he had a realistic shot at it was testimony to Girardi's good management.

The pitching changes that followed were necessary. It was obvious that Girardi didn't particularly want to use several pitchers, but he was left with no choice after each pitcher failed him. In a championship series, you just can't leave your pitcher in too long. At the first sign of trouble, you need to remove him. As opposed to what he normally tends to do (removing pitchers from the game when they're cruising through hitters), he only removed pitchers last night when they began to struggle. After our bullpen struggled, he made the remarkable decision of bringing Mariano Rivera in to pitch the 8th, to give our hitters a decent shot at taking the game into extra innings.

The fact that our hitters couldn't get the job done was not Joe Girardi's fault at all.

The second point I'd like to address is last night's bullpen failure. Let's leave Damaso Marte out of this because, to be honest, who truly expected great things from Marte? He's been mediocre at best, so last night's performance wasn't out of character.

I would like to focus on Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain for a moment.

Joe Girardi brought in Phil Hughes to save the lead. He made the right decision, as Phil Hughes has more than shined in the set-up role. Like every Yankee fan, once I saw Hughes coming out of the bullpen my initial thought was "we're going to win this game". I was wrong. Phil Hughes let us down last night. He was the one who cost us the game.

I am disappointed in Phil's performance last night, but I'm not calling for his head to roll. I believe that our fanbase as a whole needs to realize that young pitchers need a little time to handle the pressure of big games. Need I remind you all that the great Mariano Rivera wasn't born this way? This isn't just in regards to Phil Hughes, but also in regards to our youth-filled bullpen as a whole.

While Hughes' lackluster pitching yesterday was discouraging, everyone needs to remember that Phil Hughes, and the rest of our young bullpen, are one of the main reasons we even made it to the playoffs. Our bullpen is full of bright talent with excellent potential, and they have done a lot of great work for us this year. Last night, they cracked under pressure. They have been good in the playoffs so far (Game 3 wasn't the bullpen's fault, it was Girardi's).

What we need to do is realize that young players need time to learn how to deal with the pressure of important games. Even when we give them the time, not every young pitcher will develop nerves of steel. Some pitchers will never learn how to pitch well under pressure, otherwise every team would have a Mariano Rivera. If, out of our entire bullpen, we eventually get a couple of relievers who consistently perform well under pressure, we'll be lucky.

I believe that Phil Hughes has what it takes to be our next great closer. He may never become Mariano Rivera, but closers like Mo come once in a lifetime. We just need to give him a little more time, and a little more postseason experience.

Now, let me move on to Joba Chamberlain. I have no idea where to even begin with this mess. Maybe I should begin by saying that I blame the Yankees Organization for what has happened to Joba. They killed the 2007 Joba Chamberlain. Murderers!

In 2007, he was the next Mariano Rivera. Then, we saw his hot arsenal of pitches and a lot of fans (myself included) got excited about seeing him as a starting pitcher. Then, they came up with these ridiculous "Joba Rules". While I understand the reasons behind these rules, I believe they toyed with Joba mentally, and that outweighs any good that these rules may have brought. In 2008, Joba was mediocre. In 2009, Joba became borderline abysmal.

I don't blame Chamberlain for his decline, I blame management. In my opinion, Joba's problems are 100% mental. They have him convinced that he can't go deep into games, and it is obvious that he is constantly terrified of getting injured.

Joba pitched as a starter for the entire year. Then, after putting him in the starting rotation for the entire season, they put him back in the bullpen when the games mattered the most. Has anyone stopped to think, just once, about the implications of such a move? Why make him a starter when all you're going to do is put him back in the bullpen? I expect SOMEONE in Yankees Management to have a little better foresight than that. Either give the guy the chance to shine as a starter and work out his own troubles, or leave him in the bullpen. Going back and forth on this is hurting him.

I wasn't particularly excited about seeing Chamberlain in the postseason rotation, but this entire year has been one big managerial faux-pas in regards to Joba. If it wasn't for mismanagement, Joba would now be a solid starter in our rotation. We all saw his potential. We all saw the excellent command he had of 4 different pitches. Poor management killed Joba Chamberlain. Murderers!

Either keep him in the bullpen or make him a starter. Either way, pick a side and commit. Going back and forth between the starting rotation and the bullpen has messed him up mentally. I don't know if he will ever regain his confidence in himself, and I blame the Yankees for possibly ruining this young pitcher's future. While I love the Yankees organization, I don't think I will ever forgive them for what they have done if Joba doesn't bounce back from the circus freak-show they have made of his career thus far.

Let's move on to my third point. It's more of a question that a point, because I really have no answer for: "What the Hell is wrong with Nick Swisher?".

The main thing about Swisher, the thing that has brought him success all season, is the fact that he goes out onto the field and has fun. It's been clear to us all that Nick Swisher is passionate about the game of baseball. I've never seen any player have so much fun out on the field. He was never our best hitter, but he was always like a breath of fresh air. His attitude and passion is what won us games this year.

Where has this passion gone? Why does he look like he's not even having fun anymore? What happened to the Nick Swisher who took the mound and pitched in April, and had a blast doing so? Where is THAT Nick Swisher? I want him back.

Like Joba Chamberlain, Nick Swisher's woes this postseason must also be mental. Maybe he's cracking under pressure? Who knows. Whatever the reason, he better snap out of it soon. I'm not asking him to hit a home run every other game, I'm just asking that he goes back to having fun. When Nick Swisher has fun, Nick Swisher plays well. Bring back that SwisherSpark!

Having said ALL OF THAT, and having addressed the points I covered, let me now say that this series is far from over. Last night's loss was discouraging, but we can still win this. We definitely can.

We took one of the games in Anaheim. Let's face it, Anaheim has never been an easy stadium for us to win in. Taking one of the 3 games in L.A. is exactly what we needed to do to bring the series back home in a relatively more comfortable setting than it would have been to lose all 3 games.

I don't see us losing both games at home; I simply do not see it happening. I pray to Mo that I'm right. So fear not, my fellow Yankees, we still got this! Let's look forward to Game 6 in the Bronx: In Andy We Trust.

I will leave you with words of encouragement from my friend, a fellow Yankees fan and Yankee History Buff, Chris Morris, who sent me the following message on Facebook:

"Believe it or not, this series has been going exactly according to my predictions thus far (our ulcers and myocardial infarcti along the way notwithstanding).

To me, the real pivotal game of the Series was the second - we had to take the first two at home, because going west with a split would have meant having to take two out of three at the Anaheim House of Horrors in order to come back with the lead, and I knew that there was no way that that was going to happen. We took two at home and one on the road, and that was exactly what we needed to do.

I said Yanks in six, and I'm about 90% sure that it's going to come to pass. This isn't 2004, it's 1977, when the Dodgers blew us out in LA (both of our losses in Anaheim were nailbiters, which is a sort of encouragement by itself) to pull within 3-2, and then we headed back to the Stadium to Reggie Jackson's date with history.

I guarantee you that great things are going to happen this weekend... and if I turn out to be a game off, then we've got CC going in game 7 on full rest."

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The anxiety is killing me! •••

2009-10-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

1 hour, 47 minutes and 29 seconds until game time. I can't wait.

I'm so excited, it's not even funny. I'm anxious. It's been 5 years since we've been to the World Series, and in less than 2 hours, we'll only need 27 outs to get there!

This post will probably be somewhat incoherent, but I don't care. I'm excited and I'm not about to hide it! [cue music]

I woke up this morning completely pumped. I couldn't even focus on work all day because all I kept thinking about is the game tonight.
One win. That's it. One win is what stands between us and the American League Pennant. One win is what stands between us and playing in the World Series. Just one win.

1 hour, 45 minutes and 6 seconds until game time. The anxiety is killing me.

In less than two hours, our boys in pinstripes take the field to secure the final step before the World Series. Tonight can be magical. If we win tonight... no, WHEN we win tonight, we'll only need 4 more wins to lift up the World Series trophy. Lift it up for the 27th time.

When we win tonight, we'll be back where we belong: on top of the entire league.
When we win tonight, we'll be on our way to being back where we belong: on top of baseball.

1 hour, 40 minutes and 51 seconds until the first pitch is thrown in Anaheim.

We can do this. We can win this. We've got all the ingredients to take this all the way. We've got what it takes to be the World Champions for the 27th time.

We've got what it takes to finally complete Mission 27. We can do this. We will do this.

1 hour, 38 minutes and 46 seconds until the whole country tunes in to watch the pride of New York play.

Many fans love us, many fans hate us. No matter what they feel towards us, we're a force to be reckoned with.
Tonight is the night that the Evil Empire can finally strike back. Tonight is the night that men can turn into legends.

1 hour, 34 minutes and 50 seconds until Game 5 of the ALCS begins, and I'm too pumped for words.

My heart is beating so fast. My stomach has butterflies in it. I can't stop smiling. We can do it tonight. We can finally do it, tonight.

I'm not going to make any predictions, and I'm not going to claim that we've got this in the bag. In now way will the 27 outs needed to take us to the World Series come easy. But I have faith in our boys. They have it in them. They have what it takes to become legends. I have all the faith in the world that they will succeed.

1 hour, 31 minutes and 32 seconds left! LET'S GO YANKEES!

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• 30 Facts about Joe Girardi ••

2009-10-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight's game pissed me off.

I'm not pissed off because we lost, we were bound to lose a game at some point. I'm pissed off because of the REASON behind our loss.

Joe Girardi over-managed yet another game. How many times have we seen that this year? The man seems to be a little too eager, and seems to think that he's a genius. I don't think I can take any more games in which we go through our entire bullpen, but I know I'll see such games over and over again as long as Girardi is our manager.

While he has his strong points (namely managing the lineup - although, to be fair, our lineup pretty much manages itself), Girardi's bullpen micromanagement is simply horrifying.

So, inspired by tonight's loss, I came up with my very own 30 Facts about Joe Girardi.

These are mostly for fun, so don't start telling me I'm any less of a fan because of this post. I was against Joe Girardi getting the managerial job right from the start, and I still don't think he should be our manager. I don't think that our success this year can really be accredited to him, because with a roster like ours, it would take an absolute moron to screw it up.

Having said that, and before you read my 30 facts, I want to say that although I have my beef with Girardi, and although I think he's the wrong man for the job, I still stand behind him SOLELY because he's our manager.

These facts are just my way of venting, and are mostly for fun. Enjoy.

30 Facts about Joe Girardi

Every time Joe Girardi changes a pitcher, a little kitten dies.
The creators of "The Bronx is Burning" decided to create a movie about Joe Girardi: The Bullpen is Burning.
Joe Girardi shits the bed so often that he changes sheets almost as frequently as he changes pitchers.
Even Tony Larussa thinks that Joe Girardi over-manages the bullpen.
Joe Girardi's bullpen management was inspired by the military: leave no man behind.
Joe Girardi must think he's managing a Little League team: every pitcher has to pitch.
The number 27 on Girardi's jersey isn't symbolic of the quest for the 27th World Series championship; it's in reference to the number of pitching changes he makes per game.
When playing 5-card-draw poker, Joe Girardi replaces 3 of the 4 aces in his hand.
The Count from Sesame Street has a blast counting the number of pitchers Girardi brings into a game.
Mathematicians who think that "infinity" is unreachable have never seen the number of pitching changes Joe Girardi makes.
Joe Girardi changes more pitchers than "Octomom" changes diapers.
Girardi's bullpen management is a schizophrenic's dream.
Scott Proctor wishes that Girardi was the manager when he was a Yankee, that way he'd never have to face more than one hitter.
I use Joe Girardi's pitching changes as a shot game whenever I want to get wasted.
If the Yankees donated $1.00 to Africa every time Girardi changed a pitcher, they would end hunger on the continent.
John Kerry called, he said that Joe Girardi changed positions too often.
Elliot Spitzer has rotated prostitutes less often than Girardi has rotated pitchers.
MLB should allow Joe Girardi to work with a 45-man roster in the playoffs to accommodate his pitching management.
5 phones were added in the Yankee dugout to communicate with the bullpen because one phone couldn't handle the heavy load of calls.
Like sand through the hourglass, so are the pitchers in Girardi's bullpen.
Joe Girardi failed high school Algebra: no matter what the equation was, x = 8 every single time.
Mrs. Girardi is scared because Joe told her he wants to have enough kids to pitch an entire game.
With Girardi as manager, every time a bell rings a pitcher gets his wings.
NYC subway maps make more sense to tourists than Girardi's bullpen management does to Yankees fans.
Joe Girardi is managing the wrong bullpen in New York.
When Joe Girardi gets dressed in the morning, he tries on 8 different pairs of shoes before he leaves the house barefoot.
Cody Ransom thinks Joe Girardi is a genius.
When in doubt, go to the mound, and do nothing.
I can't decide if I should call him "Joe 'One-Batter-Too-Late' Girardi" or "Joe '3-batters-too-soon' Girardi".
Joe Girardi's Calls To The Bullpen are sponsored by Pepto Bismol: you're gonna need this shit while watching the game.

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The Playoffs have FINALLY begun!!! •••

2009-10-08T04:05:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how long I've waited for last night's game. Actually, I can: since we lost the ALDS in 2007. That's how long I've waited for it.

I wanted to blog before last night's game, but Google decided to be a prick and lock me out of my account. Why? I do not know. My guess is that the creators of Google are Red Sox fans, and have thus targeted me. Hello, Conspiracy Theory.

I like what I saw last night. I mean, I'm not cracking open the champagne just yet, after all we were facing the Twins (7-0 record against them in the regular season not to mention they played extra innings the night before), but there were good signs last night.

First: any monkey that was present on CC Sabathia's back has obviously run away - possibly for fear of being eaten with a side order of coleslaw - because CC looked to be every bit the Staff Ace last night. He pitched 6 2/3 innings, gave up on earned run on 8 hits, and struck out 8. What a beast.

Second: Alex Rodriguez got a couple of RBIs in the post season! Praise the Lord!

Honestly, if you're reading this blog, you've either watched the game or have read about it, so I'm not going to review the game for you. Game 1 was awesome, we won, Jeter got the first post season home run at the new stadium, Joba pitched well in relief, life is good. Let's focus on winning Game 2 and going to Minnesota with a 2-0 advantage.

In other news, I quit smoking yesterday. Which was really smart since I smoke when I'm stressed and the MLB playoffs always stress me out. I'll blog about it in another entry.

LET'S GO YANKEES!

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• Who's afraid of the Big Bad 'Pen? ••

2009-09-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Last night's baseball was, well, forgettable to say the least. Mitre didn't have what it takes to get the win, and our hitters seemed to forget how to score against Halladay. While the baseball was forgettable, the non-baseball activities were not.

Bottom of the 8th inning, trouble began to stir. After Melancon had hit Aaron Hill with a pitch, Toronto decided to retaliate, and stupidly so. I love how the Blue Jays randomly decide to grow a pair, and every time they do, it ends up biting them in the ass.

Jesse Carlson, while facing Jorge Posada at the plate, chose to throw a pitch behind Jorge.

Tsk, tsk Carlson, don't you know that retaliation is for men? And when you faked looking disappointed at misplacing that pitch, were you trying to trick us into thinking it was an accident? Silly rabbit, tricks aren't for dicks.

With Jorge walking around in "oh no he didn't" strides and shouting "YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT"...

...both benches cleared.

Well, for the sake of accuracy, 1.5 benches cleared. The Yankees' bench was instantly out on the field, while half of the Blue Jays' bench skipped out too (let's not forget that 9 of their players were already out on the field, so they had no choice).

The other half of the bench? Click on the play button (and make sure your volume is on).

Don't they look scary? I pity the fool that has to fight them!
As one of my Twitter followers said today: I was just waiting for them to start snapping their fingers as they exited the bullpen. I don't know where they learned how to brawl, but their "clearing of the bench" looked like something straight out of a Broadway musical. They pranced about on the field, generally moving in the direction of the fight. In my head, all I could hear was "there's NO business like SHOW business like NO business I knoooow" as I saw them make their way onto the field. Jazz hands would have been very appropriate at that moment.

Perhaps their exit from the bullpen was inspired by West Side Story? I guess they assumed that people in New York City really do fight through choreographed dance moves. Poor guys, they thought that they would fit in.

So anyway, much to my disappointment, nothing happened. Both benches cleared and just stood there eyeballing each other. After both sides were warned, play resumed. Jorge worked a walk, and eventually scored.

As Posada was running back into the dugout after scoring, Jesse Carlson was standing in his way, so he shouldered him as he was running by.

Don't they teach pitchers to back up behind home plate? Why was Jesse Carlson near our dugout? He needed a back-hand pimp-slap for that alone.

Carlson then turned around and shouted something at Jorge.

Then all Hell broke loose.

Whatever Carlson said really got Posada going, and he ran back towards him. My guess is that Carlson shouted "YOUR WIFE'S A WHORE AND YOUR EARS ARE REALLY BIG". That would be enough to get Jorge going.

The umpire immediately ejected Jorge, but that made no difference and Posada kept charging, and proceeded to kick the crap out of the Toronto pitcher. While he was whooping Carlson's ass, Jorge said: "my ears are NOT big you mother f*cker, the catchers helmet makes them look that way!!!!"

Then both teams went at it. Basically, it was the Yankees beating the crap out of the Blue Jays in the fight, to somewhat relieve the tension built up from the Blue Jays beating the crap out of the Yankees in the game.

What you can't see in the pictures is Shelley Duncan dragging Rod Barajas by the catchers' vest and putting him in a choke-hold, and keeping him there. Personally, I think that Duncan did it just because he could. You gotta hand it to those Midwest boys, they don't mess around. I guess all that cow-tipping Shelley did growing up finally came in handy.

After several minutes, the fight ended, CC Sabathia lifted Jorge and carried him to the dugout...

... while Mariano Rivera got the final "Imma cut you, bitch" death-stare at the Jays.

I'd like to state here that in principle, I don't agree with brawls on the field. I think it's far more effective to whoop the other team's ass by beating them in the game.

Having said that, brawls sure are fun to watch! I found myself cheering our boys on while they beat the crap out of the Jays. My inner thug was awakened, and I wanted a piece of those Canadians myself. I also found myself rather freakishly aroused. There's something about brawls that really get me going......

*daydreams*

Um... back to the topic at hand.

The fight.

Every Yankee got a piece of the action. From Joba Chamberlain, to Nick Swisher, to Johnny Damon (who really got riled up), to Mark Teixeira - who went running in with his mouth open ready to take a bite out of someone. Even skinny-ass Edwar Ramirez got a few punches in. I found it funny that he ran in to break up the fight, when CC Sabathia could sneeze and send Edwar flying away. Ramirez got sucked into the fight and threw in a few punches that would make any fan proud. Respect.

The Blue Jays simply couldn't keep up. Our boys were enraged. Step on our turf and disrespect us like that? NOT ON OUR WATCH, BITCHES.

I don't care what anyone says, the Blue Jays were asking for it. If they can't handle the heat, then they shouldn't throw behind Jorge Posada. Had Cody Ransom been playing and Carlson threw behind him, he probably would have been applauded for it. But this is JORGE POSADA. You don't f*ck with the Hip Hip.

I want to know why Carlson thought throwing behind Jorge would be a good idea. It was obvious that Melancon didn't intentionally hit Hill; why would he? There was no need to. Melancon simply lost control of his pitch. He's known for that. And if Carlson insisted on throwing at Jorge, couldn't he have made it a little less obvious? I think Carlson was assuming that his Bullpen Posse would have his back. That kind of assumption is what gets you this:

So, in conclusion, if you ever want to let off some steam, grab a Toronto Blue Jay. They are wonderful punching bags.

Lessons learned:

When instigating a fight, make sure you have someone other than the Toronto Blue Jays bullpen pitchers to back you up.
Don't mess with Edwar Ramirez and his 60 lbs of fury.

My final thought? Well, I think what truly started the fight wasn't Carlson's throw behind Posada. It was the maple leaf on his sleeve.

Is that thing flipping us the bird??? OH NO HE DIDN'T......

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• How about you kiss my ass 999 times? ••

2009-09-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

It's 09/09/09. We get it. Just like it was 08/08/08 last year, 07/07/07 the year before, 06/06/06 the year before that, and so on. I promise you, we f*cking get it.

Is it a cool date? Yes it is. Is it rare to have the same digits across the shortened date? Happens only 12 times a century. Is it worth all the craziness that ensues? Hell no.

I refuse to give into the hype, as I have for the past 9 years.

People get ridiculous with this crap. Sending me e-mails like "Don't forget to make a wish at 9:09! God will listen!". What kind of God only listens to me twice a day 12 times a century? That's some Grade-A bullsh*t right there. Surely God doesn't wait until it's those 12 times a century when the date is homogeneous before he listens to a prayer.

Even more annoying are the greetings.
Random person: "Happy 09-09-09!"
Me: "Kill yourself."

Why are we celebrating this day? What accomplishment was achieved on this day? Wow, we've been able to count the days for long enough to get to 09/09/09 once again! Let's celebrate and make The Count from Sesame Street proud! 1..... 2..... 3..... 4..... 5..... 6..... 7..... 8..... 9..... 9 years! Aahahahaha!

The world has gone mad. People get hyped up over the silliest things. People were so into this 09/09/09 business today, that they didn't even realize they were being absolute idiots.

I'm sure many of you have come across some weird behavior today and have a few stories of your own. So, I'd like to sympathize with all of you who have experienced madness on this ordinary day by sharing some of the weird "999" things that happened to me at work today.

Enjoy the pure stupidity of what you are about to read.

•••

I was walking into my office building this morning. As I normally do, I stopped at the security desk to have my bag checked and swipe my ID card. As I walked up to the security guard, I greeted him with "good morning". He then responded with "good morning!" and repeated his greeting over and over. I started to get a little scared, and asked myself why on Earth he sounded like a broken record. I started wondering if maybe I had too much to drink last night, or if one of my drinks was spiked with ecstasy or 'shrooms. Once he stopped greeting me, I asked him why he repeated himself so many times. He said "I'm greeting everyone 9 times today, because it's 999!"

Hmmm... how about you kiss my ass 999 times?

I shook this craziness off, and suddenly realized the coffee that I bought on my way to work wasn't going to be enough. I took the elevator up to my floor, and walked out to be greeted by the receptionist. With a big smile she said to me "happy oh-nine oh-nine oh-nine". Not you too, Sandra. I completely ignored her greeting and said good morning. As I reached to take an M&M from her large M&M bowl, she said to me "make sure you take 9". When I said I only wanted one, she replied to me saying "you're so silly, you have to take 9, because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I slap the 'silly' out of you 999 times?

As I made my way to my office, I passed by my boss who was walking around with a cup of coffee, his hands were shaking and his eyes were wide open. I said good morning to him, and he responded with a loud and overly enthusiastic "HEY!!!!!", that startled me more than I care to be startled at 7:30 in the morning. I asked if he was feeling alright, he said "I'm working on my 6th cup of coffee!!! I want to have 9 cups before 9:09am because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about 999 ass-whoopings to mix in with your coffee?

My office is relatively close to the elevator. I chose it when I first got here. I like to walk in and out with as little interaction with the morons on my floor as possible. I happen to work on the 9th floor of our building. All day I kept hearing the annoying *ding* of the elevator. We were having an unusual amount of visitors today. I walked out and asked one of the guys in the cubicles what was going on. He said "people are visiting our floor, the 9th floor, for luck, because of 999".

Hmmm... how about I hand 999 bitch-slaps to the next 9 fools that visit this floor?

Every working environment has a pervert. He's the guy who mentally undresses you every time he looks at you. The guy who never does anything overt enough to report as sexual harassment, but still makes you feel dirty every time you're in his presence. Today, our designated office pervert came up to me and said "you should have 9 orgasms today because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I kick you in the nuts 999 times?

I needed to finalize some paperwork for a major contract I just landed, and I needed the help of the accounting department to do so. I called up Susan, the accountant I had been working with on this project, and asked her if she could come up to my office for a while. She showed up to my office wearing cat ears. I stared at her for a few seconds, wondering why the Hell she decided to wear cat ears to work. After pondering at relative length on why she would do such a thing, I asked her the reason. She replied in a tone that gave off the impression that my question was ridiculous and the answer should be clear. She said to me "because cats have 9 lives and today is 999".

::blank 'The Office'-style stare into the camera::

Hmmm... how about I smack you in the face with those ears 999 times?

Later on during the day, I heard one of the interns dialing a number and hanging up. He had the phone's speaker on, and I could hear that whatever number he was dialing had the same digit repeated 7 times. He dialed the number over and over, each time laughing then hanging up. I stepped out of my office and asked him what on Earth he was doing, he said to me "I'm calling 999-9999, 9 times, because it's 999".

Hmmm... how about I shove that receiver up your ass 999 times?

The icing on the cake, the tip of the iceberg, the drop that made the pot overflow, came towards the end of the day. I had finalized all the paperwork for the contract I'd been working on, and needed 7 photocopies of a document to send to certain people in the organization. I asked my secretary to make the photocopies for me. She came back with 9 copies. When I said to her I only asked for 7 copies, she said "I'm doing everything in 9's today, because it's 999".

At that point, I decided it was time for me to pack up and go home. Had I stayed at work any longer, I would have shot 999 bullets off at everyone on my floor.

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• The Joba Rules ••

2009-09-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

The Joba Rules. Weren’t they cute, oh, 2 years ago? Now they’re just plain retarded. It seems that Joba is being babied. Only the Lord knows why, because even a little toddler’s arm can handle throwing more than 36 pitches.

Oh, those darn Joba Rules. Let me ask you a question. Which is better: straining Joba’s arm when he pitches once every five game, or burning out our bullpen once every five games when October is around the corner?

I say: Save a bullpen, ride Joba’s arm.

In light of tonight’s game where Joba Chamberlain was removed after 36 pitches and 2 runs given up, I decided to look more closely at the infamous “Joba Rules”. I got an exclusive peek at the complete list of rules for Joba Chamberlain. While some rules were standard, others were simply ridiculous.

So here they are, some of the most ridiculous Joba rules in the Joba Chamberlain User’s Manual:

THE UNSEEN JOBA RULES

Joba Rule #21: Do not attempt to lift the ‘Joba Rules’ folder. It is too heavy for you.

Joba Rule #48: Wipe your sweat and adjust your cap with your left hand, NOT your right one.

Joba Rule #74: Do not wipe your ass with your right hand to avoid straining it. If you can’t wipe with your left hand, a Rookie member of the bullpen will do it for you.

Joba Rule #118: No Nintendo Wii for you!

Joba Rule #139: Never take Advil, Tylenol, Aspirin, or any other Paracetemol or pain-killing medications during the season. If you feel any pain we want to know about it and we’ll sit you out for a couple of starts.

Joba Rule #168: The height of your socks in inches will equal the number of pitches you will throw in that game.

Joba Rule #192: Make sure to grab your balls when you cough to avoid straining your groin.

Joba Rule #211: Remember to chew your food slowly. Chewing too quickly could strain your neck muscles, and that will put you on the 30-day DL.

Joba Rule #238: Do no walk around wearing nothing but socks on hardwood floors.

Joba Rule #255: Do not run to the mound. Walk briskly. Make sure to stretch properly before walking to the mound as the walk could strain your hamstrings.

Joba Rule #277: Hank Steinbrenner, Hal Steinbrenner, Brian Cashman, Joe Girardi, Dave Eiland and any other official high-ranking member of the Yankees organiztion holds the right to add Joba rules at any given moment.

Joba Rule #317: Do not get Korean massages.

Joba Rule #332: Avoid making omelets during the season. Beating eggs can cause strain on your arm.

Joba Rule #341: Never bring the woman you’re with to orgasm. Getting off yourself takes enough energy, you don’t need the extra strain.

Joba Rule #394: Cutting your own steak counts as a complete game pitched. Let Cody Ransom cut your steak unless you want to miss your start. Do not worry about how Cody Ransom feels about cutting your steak, we need to legitimize his contract somehow.

Joba Rule #399: A slider counts for 8 pitches in the pitch count.

Joba Rule #416: Waving to the fans is forbidden.

Joba Rule #453: If a fight breaks out on the field during a game, run away. Everyone will think you’re a girl, but you know that your arm is a precious gift from God and needs to be spared.

Joba Rule #471: Never hold the microphone in an interview. Microphones can be heavy on your arm.

Joba Rule #544: Pre-game warm-up pitches count towards the in-game pitch count.

Joba Rule #591: Do not push too hard while on the toilet; hemorrhoids will put you on the 30-day DL.

Joba Rule #609: Do not masturbate with your right hand during the season. Masturbating with your left hand is allowed once every two full rotations during the season. Masturbating with your right hand is allowed once a week during the off-season.

Joba Rule #644: Do not peel bananas.

Joba Rule #689: When pitching to Kevin Youkilis, aim for the dead animal on his face.

Joba Rule #719: A fist pump is equivalent to 4 innings pitched. Two fist pumps will require a week of extra rest.

Joba Rule #729: Do not style Johnny Damon’s hair. That would put strain on your arms and back.

Joba Rule #791: Ignore it when fans call you a baby. You are our big man!

Joba Rule #801-1: Driving a stick-shift car is equivalent to 4 complete games pitched. You do the math.

Joba Rule #801-2: Doing math is the mental equivalent of 5 complete games pitched.

Joba Rule #801-3: Not doing math and using a calculator is allowed ONLY if you use the middle finger of your left hand.

Joba Rule #862: On your visits to Nebraska, avoid milking cows at all cost.

Joba Rule #913: Minimize the autographs you sign. Each autograph signed will result in a 10-pitch reduction from the pitch count of your next start.

Joba Rule #926: Stay away from Nick Swisher.

Joba Rule #961: Do not date Madonna.

Joba Rule #1000: Remember that Dave Eiland and Joe Girardi (Mommy and Daddy) love you very much!

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

•• Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate The Red Sox ••

2009-08-06T04:07:00.000-07:00

It is known that the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is the biggest in baseball. Whether it's because of the animosity between fans, the tightness of the title race, or the wide media coverage, this rivalry is one of the most heated in all of professional sports. Tonight, we face the Boston Red Sox in a series opener at home in Yankee Stadium.

In honor of this event, I decided to give you the Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate The Red Sox.
Enjoy.

•

10. It's a Family Thing

I was raised in a house free of prejudices. We were brought up to judge a person based on their character, and not based on their religion, race, gender, nationality or sexuality. We are an open-minded family, and we accept everyone.

Everyone, except for Red Sox fans.

No one wearing anything that bares resemblance to a Boston logo was allowed to enter the house. My own cousin, a Red Sox fan (he's a 3rd cousin through marriage and is regarded as the 'black sheep' of the family because of his Boston ways), was stopped at the door by my father and not allowed to enter the house until he took his Boston hat off and left it in the car. Had he not been a family member, he would have been sent home.

Growing up, I was allowed to date whomever I wanted regardless of their racial, religious, cultural or social background. I was not, however, allowed to date Red Sox fans (not that I ever wanted to).

This is how I was raised. This is a major reason why I hate the Red Sox.

9. Claims of a Curse

In my opinion, any organization that believes in curses, and blames their failure on anything other than their own mistakes, is an organization deserving of hatred. Like many Yankees fans (and fans of other teams) have said before me: there was never a curse, they just sucked for 86 years.
I may understand a heartbroken fanbase being pathetic enough to come up with such an excuse, but for an entire organization to embrace this excuse, and use it as a crutch, is simply disgusting.

There was never a curse, Babe Ruth was just smart. You sucked, Yankees owned. Still do. Deal with it.

8. Red Sox Nation

What is this, really? Have you people no shame? Have you no class? Why am I even asking these questions when I know the answer to both questions is "no"?

I believe Hank Steinbrenner said it best in an interview:

“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

I think that Red Sox Nation reached the pinnacle of its pathetic existence a few years back, when it had its "Presidential Elections". The two front runners were:

• A grown man living in his mother's basement that was filled with Red Sox posters and memorabilia, broadcasting the fact that he hadn't taken his Boston jersey off in years.

and

• A dog.

I believe the dog won, probably because he's Red Sox Nation's most intelligent member.

7. Kevin Youkilis

Where do I even begin describing my disgust for this man? He is one classless attention-seeker, who leaps farther than his stubby legs can carry him. And that facial hair... don't even get me started on that dead animal he has on his face. Forget about being beaten with the "ugly stick", Kevin Youkilis was beaten by a forest of ugly trees.

He has one of the most stupid and annoying batting stances in the history of baseball. Then, when a pitcher throws at him (probably because he was distracted by the homo-erotic nature of the Youk Stance), he goes out and bitches about it to the media. "Blah blah blah, they have it in for me at every game, blah blah blah, they always throw at me because they hate me, blah blah blah, I'm like Paul O'Neill".

You, sir, are NO Paul O'Neill. Let's just clear that up. Do not compare yourself to Paullie, you are not, and will never be, anything like him.

How about the next time you charge the mound, you leave your bat behind and put up your fists ya big baby? It's easy to charge the mound armed with a bat, when the pitcher has nothing but his fists and a glove to defend himself. I'm a small woman and I can charge the mound with a baseball bat and feel safe.

Furthermore, if you're going to charge the mound, do something other than just TALK a good fight. Either get into a real fight, or don't charge the mound in the first place. To half-ass it like you always do, pretending that you're tough when all you're thinking about is getting home and cuddling with your Wally The Monster toy, is just plain pathetic. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the Yankees' way.

6. The "C" on Varitek's Jersey

I'm sorry, did we change the sport to hockey when I wasn't looking? Who the Hell puts a damn "C" on their baseball jersey to show the world that they're the captain? Seriously, who does that?

I've heard Red Sox fans defending Jason Varitek and saying that it wasn't his decision to put the "C" on there, it was the team's decision. THAT'S EVEN WORSE! That proves that it was more than just one player who was repeatedly dropped on his head as a baby, IT WAS THE WHOLE FREAKING TEAM!

Varitek, if you need a damn letter on your jersey to show that you're the captain, chances are you're not doing a very good job. How about you grow a testicle and stop using embroidery to command respect? A true leader commands respect through his actions.

Take a course in "Jeteromics" and learn about how a real captain acts.

Oh and next time, take your damn catcher's mask off when you want to fight. Maybe then you'll look like less of a pussy.

5. David Ortiz

Oh, Ortiz, you big ogre-like walking fiasco. When will you learn that the words you say will come back to bite you in your big steroids-filled ass?

Really, Big Papi? Really? It seemed like a good idea to go out and blast all steroids users in baseball, saying that anyone who ever used steroids should be banned? Really? Knowing that you haven't been clean, and that names of users were coming out left and right, you still thought it would be smart to go out and give a "holier than thou" interview to the media? Really?

How about now, Big Poopi? Do you still think that those players should be banned? Personally, I think you should be banned solely for your stupidity. Had you not made such a big deal about it when Alex Rodriguez was called out, you probably wouldn't have gotten so much hate for being called out yourself. Christ, even Canseco forgot how to speak English when the topic of steroids was raised. Yet you thought it was a good idea to go out and be a hypocrite. Interesting.

You used to remind me of Shrek. Now you remind me of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz.

4. Curt Schilling

Do I really need to explain this? Check is blog and you'll know why.

This loud-mouthed has-been seems to think that being a bitch will somehow compensate for the fact that he's pathetic. He may have been decent at points in his career, but that still doesn't erase the fact that his last contract had weight-loss incentives. If you're an athlete and you need financial incentives to lose weight and get in shape, you're pathetic.

You'd think that he'd somehow be ashamed of himself for losing it in his last year and try to lay low off the radar. Nope! In true Red Sox fashion, Curt Schilling decided to take the classless route and start a blog blasting other teams right and left. Schilling's inferiority complex is more than obvious, because instead of recognizing his weaknesses and trying to strengthen them, he decided to point out and embelish the weaknesses of others, so that maybe his own pathetic existence would seem better.

Furthermore, this self-promoting moron thinks he deserves to be in the baseball Hall Of Fame! Oh for the love of Mo, when will the stupidity end!
I guess in Red Sox Nation, being a career 3.46 ERA pitcher with 216 wins, logically earns you a place in the HOF, alongside baseball's greatest.

It must be that bloody sock...

3. Wally The Monster and his sidekicks: Lefty & Righty

First of all, I hate mascots. I think their existence is stupid, and too high on the "Shameless Marketing" scale for my taste.

Secondly, I think Wally The Monster is the ugliest sports mascot I've ever seen. We get that you call that monstrosity in your stadium "The Green Monster", but must you embody it by creating that hairy green blob you call a mascot? No wonder the children of the fanbase grow up to be complete idiots as adults, their brains are scarred with images of horror at an early age.

Wally not only looks horrid, he acts like a douche. He gets up in the stands and starts dancing around, shaking his blob left and right, and the crowd actually enjoys it. Really, what does it say about your fanbase when you need a cartoon-character-gone-wrong to keep them amused during the game? Actually, what does that say about your team?

Thirdly, they introduced those two stupid socks to dance around with Wally. I guess the images of a dancing green monster weren't enough to fill up the vast empty spaces in Sox fans' skulls, Lefty & Righty had to be introduced to distract these fans from any chance they may have to learn about the game of baseball.

Following the game and learning about baseball? No way! We do things the Red Sox way and fill the minds of our fans up with superficial marketing propaganda! Heaven forbid they should ever be able to carry on an intelligent baseball-related conversation.

2. The Fans

Now the most hated fanbase in baseball. Not because of success, but because of sheer douchebaggery. Red Sox fans are some of the most classless, idiotic, and pathetic fans in the world of professional sports. I have yet to carry on an intelligent baseball-related conversation with a Red Sox fan. In fact, I'm yet to meet a baseball-intelligent Red Sox fan.

They are quick to make claims: "it's a Red Sox dynasty!" or "we're the best team in baseball history!" or other ridiculous statements of pure stupidity. Once you respond with logic, saying that it takes more than two World Series wins that were three years apart to make a dynasty, or by saying that to be the best team in baseball history you can't really suck for the better part of baseball history, they respond with "Yankees suck".

Try backing them into a corner and asking them something like "name 7 Red Sox bullpen pitchers from 2004", if you're a Yankees fan, they'll definitely respond with "oh you're just jealous. Yankees suck".

Hmmm. "Yankees suck". Thank you, Red Sox Nation, for refreshing and enlightening us with your unique and substantial point of view.

Another thing I hate about Red Sox fans is that they cannot grasp why the country hates them. Non-Yankees used to see them as the "lovable losers", it was mostly pity. Now that they've won a couple of World Series, the entire fanbase turned into a group of douchebag ass-hats. Yet, they still expect America to love them. Talk about stupidity.

As a Yankees fan, I'm smarter than to think that America will love me. We know we're a hated fanbase, but we're hated because we're proud of our history and success. Nevertheless we don't expect the country to like us. As a matter of fact, we enjoy being hated by the rest of the baseball world.

Red Sox fans think that America hates them because they're successful. That's the only reason they hate the Yankees, so they assume that that's the only reason there is to hate someone. WRONG. America hates Red Sox fans because they're classless, juvenile, douchebag idiots who believe in curses and can't name their entire 40-man roster this year, nevermind try to remember last year's 25-man roster. America hates Red Sox fans because they are the biggest media-whores we've ever seen in Major League Baseball. They will take any opportunity to shove their Red Sox down our throats and talk about them like they're God's gift to humanity.

America hates Red Sox fans because, even after they act like douchebag Massholes when they're winning, they still expect people to feel sorry for them when they're losing. Why on Earth would we feel sorry for you obnoxious turds when you're losing? Don't get me wrong, I'm all kinds of obnoxious when it comes to being a Yankee, but I don't expect ANYONE to sympathize with me when we're losing. In fact, I never want any kind of pity aimed at me. Red Sox fans, on the other, want to be celebrated when they're winning, and pitied when they're losing. It doesn't work like that, you morons.

Another thing I hate about Sox fans is that they care more about sticking it to Yankees' fans than they do about winning. It's fun to rub your success in others' face, but when GLOATING about your success becomes more important to you than your actual success, you're a Red Sox fan. If the Red Sox win the ALDS, their fans wouldn't be happy if the Yankees won the ALDS too. It's more important for their fans to say "the Yankees didn't win" than to say "we won". That is something you will never find in other fanbases. Winning always comes first. Gloating is a distant second. For Red Sox fans, winning is only important if they get to gloat about it.

Of course, there's the fact that 75% of their fanbase consists of bandwagon fans, but that could happen to any team. The only problem is that these bandwagon fans swear to God that they're "diehard" and "lifelong". That is how you ask a baseball question and get the response "Yankees suck".

1. Jonathan Papelbon

Honestly, there is nothing I currently hate more about the Red Sox organization than Jonathan Papelbon.
Before I begin my Anti-Paps Rant, let me state that I recognize his abilities as a pitcher, and I do believe he is one of the best closers around today.

Alright, now that I got that sickening statement out of the way, I can move on.

Jonathan Papelbon embodies everything I hate about the Red Sox organization: lack of class, lack of a brain, lack of restraint, and lack of logic. He's a good closer, I'll give him that, but he seems to think that the sun rises and sets in his ass. Not only does he seem to think that he's God, he tries to convince the baseball world of it too. Only a sad, pathetic idiot feels the need to constantly praise himself. What's the matter, Paps? Did mommy not hug you enough as a child? Did daddy never tell you he loves you? What's with this constant self-promotion?

Self-promotion seems to be a trend in the Red Sox organization. They all have such an inferiority complex that they compensate for by blowing their own horns. Or each others' horns. I stress on the word 'blowing'. Paps is their number 1 blower. In more than one way.

Papelbon, already branding himself the best closer in baseball, seems to think that he's in the same league as Mariano Rivera. I don't care who you are, if you say that Jonathan Papelbon is equal to Mariano Rivera, you need to get your ass kicked. What an idiot. No one who knows anything about baseball thinks that Paps is equal to Mo. Which explains why Red Sox fans seem to think so.

In 2008, Papelbon even had the audacity to say that he should be the All Star Game closer. The All Star Game that was being played in New York, in the House That Babe Built, when the best closer of all time, our Mariano Rivera, was right there. Even Terry Francona knew that Paps was being a moron. After all the talking, saying that he deserves to close and that he's equal to Rivera, Francona puts Papelbon in to pitch in the 8th. Paps gives up a run. Mo gets robbed of a save. We sit and watch for 14 innings.
Children, thank Jonathan Papelbon for ruining the All Star Game.

Just like Schilling, Papelbon loves being a media-whore. He jumps on any opportunity to get some publicity by going out and saying something outrageously dumb. He especially enjoys blasting the Yankees. It makes him feel important to blast the Yankees. He feels it somehow makes his existence on this Earth more significant than the waste of oxygen that he is.

Just like the Red Sox fanbase, Paps doesn't feel good unless he puts the Yankees down. Again: inferiority complex. Knowing Boston and the stupidity of their fans, he is probably worshipped more every time he says something idiotic. He probably uses these anti-Yankees rants to bring all the boys to the yard.

Also, let's not forget that horrifying dance that he does when the Red Sox win. What is that dance? He looks like a drunk mutant frog dancing the Irish jig while high on 'shrooms. As if I needed any MORE reasons to NOT want the Red Sox to win, avoiding seeing Paps dance is a major one. Guys like Papelbon are the reason the world thinks that white guys can't dance. I guess he uses this dance to seduce his teammates.

Another reason I hate Jonathan Papelbon is the way he acted in the All Star Parade in 2008. He was wearing his World Series ring, flashing it at the crowd of New Yorkers, and shouting things like "jealous?". Then, when the crowd started throwing trash at him (because trash begets more trash) he whined and bitched about it, trying to get sympathy. "Boo hoo, they threw paper cups at me and my pregnant wife boo hoo".
Well, moron, how about you don't piss a crowd off while your pregnant wife is sitting right next to you? What did you expect, douchebag? Did you expect the crowd of New Yorkers to cheer for you and your damned ring? Consider yourself lucky you didn't get your ass kicked. If it were up to me, I'd bitch-slap you. Not a regular slap, a bitch-slap. Regular slaps are for men. Bitch-slaps are for bitches like you. A good pimp-style backhand is what you need to put you in your place.

Of course, when talking about Papelbon-bon, I have to mention the instances of grabbing Manny Ramirez' junk:

and him in all his glory:

Honestly, need I say more?

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Chatting with the Stars •••

2009-08-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

I swear to God, I couldn't create this if I tried.

My girl Haydee IM'ed me on AIM. She told me she was chatting to some guy pretending to be Johnny Damon. I was bored, so I asked for his SN. 30 minutes and a mind-f*ck later, this is what I ended up with:

*Remember one thing: I'm playing along like I believe that he's the real deal*

Me: Hi
"Him": hi
Me: I think my friend's playing a prank on me
"Him": who is this?
Me: You don't know me. But I'm a huge Yankees fan. My friend say that you're Johnny Damon.
Me: I think she's playing a prank on me.
"Him": and your friend is?
Me: Are you really Johnny Damon?
"Him": this is his team mate
"Him": he's in the club house, he was just outside for BP
Me: Oh wow. Which team mate?
"Him": AJ
Me: No. Me: Are you serious?!
"Him": yes I am
"Him": I'm just in a bad mood b/c CC decided not to show up to BP and I'm alone in the bullpen listening to Joba bitch about his mother and how girls are devils and how he cant drink and blah, might as well listen to Hughes blast Creed 24/7
Me: Well, I just wanna say that I love you and think you're awesome. Same goes for CC and Joba and Hughes. And every Yankee.
Me: Except for Cody Ransom.
Me: I don't like Cody Ransom.
"Him": okay then..
"Him": Cody is cool..do you wanna know the truth?
Me: I'm sure he's a fine human being. He just doesn't belong in pinstripes.
"Him": I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand..they talk to me.
Me: Are you sure you're not Johnny Damon?
"Him": ummmm positive
"Him": last I checked I wasn't Asian
Me: He's only half Asian. Me: So, how do I know you're the real AJ?
"Him": how do I know your not an obsessed stalker?
Me: I am obsessed, but I'm too lazy to be a stalker
"Him": okay..

[awkward silence]

"Him": hey hey, can I kill Sabathia?
Me: Um, no?
"Him": he came LATE
"Him": I had to listen to a bitching Joba, meh, at least Hughes was on the field practicing too..didn't need to hear My Own Prison and Human Clay over and over
"Him": oh and get this!
"Him": CC JUST CALLED RANDY ORTON QUEER!
"Him": fucking HHH fan
"Him": LMAO, Ransom is holding me hostage for well..ransom haha
Me: Don't pay it, he's not worth it.
"Him": no no..he's making CC pay
"Him": "a quarter of a billion dollars"
"Him": WTF? CC laughed and said I'm not worth it
"Him": shows that HHH fans know SHIT
"Him": do you know what Millar is doing?
"Him": he's humping the ground..
Me: I had no idea you were this weird, AJ.
"Him": I'm usually normal but I haven't had a cigarette today
"Him": Dr. Pettitte comfiscated them
Me: AJ, you shouldn't smoke. Dr. Pettitte is right.
"Him": I smoke because I'm stressed alot
Me: Why are you stressed? Is it because Michael Kay keeps mentioning your no-hitter every time you go the first two innings without giving up a hit?
"Him": no..
"Him": ummm try not seeing your two children grow up
"Him": or not waking up next to your wife every morning for half the year maybe then you'll be depressed alot
Me: The Pinstripes are worth it. You must think so, otherwise you wouldn't be a Yankee.
"Him": no..I need a cigarette "Him": tempted to go through CC's locker
Me: CC smokes too?
"Him": of course, I started smoking b/c of him
Me: Oh, really? Peer pressure?
"Him": haha 300lbs of pressure

Me: So what's the real story behind Cody Ransom?
"Him": rather not say
Me: Who did he sleep with to get the job?
"Him": oh shut up
Me: Come on, AJ. You can tell me, lol.
"Him": your making him sound like Alex
Me: Who did Alex sleep with to get the job?
"Him": everyone, lmao
Me: Well, at least Alex gets some. Unlike cody.
"Him": you wanna start?
"Him": Cody happens to be my other best friend
Me: Good for you. I sincerely congratulate you on that.

[awkward silence]

Me: So, AJ, what's Derek Jeter really like?
"Him": why..wanna know his size now too?
"Him": oh and sorry, I don't look at guys
Me: Um, not exactly what I was asking. But it wouldn't hurt to know, lol.
Me: I was asking more about his personality.
"Him": i said I don't look at guys
Me: OK then. Don't be so homophobic.

"Him": okay, Cody is seriously possessed or something
Me: Really? Who would have thought that Ransom is possessed?
"Him": I have my hand on his stomach to keep him from getting up b/c Alex is talking shit to us and he's cracking up yelling "STOP TICKLING ME" yet my fingers aren't moving
Me: Wow. What a weirdo.
"Him": apparantly Scranton/Wilkes-Barre doesn't want him or told him he wasn't playing so he came back to Toronto
"Him": either that or something happened that I dont know about
Me: Maybe he's waiting for the call from McDonald's.
"Him": Coach told him to go home but I told Coach off
Me: You told Joe Girardi off?
"Him": yes. aint the first time
Me: It doesn't surprise me that players tell Joe off.
Me: What did you say?
"Him": I told him that if he called security I'd let the world know about how he slept with the hookers using the team's money and got ghonorea (sp.)
"Him": I got it from some movie, I think it was Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

"Him": you missed the funniest shit earlier
Me: What happened earlier?
"Him": lets just say..there was almost an excorscism
Me: Cody Ransom?
"Him": this was before Cody arrived actually
Me: Please tell me more. I'm intrigued now.
"Him": out of nowhere Eric started acting possessed, like doing "Emily Rose" perfectly, they had to call 9-1-1 and everything
"Him": then they tried restraining him and he made his body start moving on its own
Me: Eric... as in Hinske?
"Him": yeah
"Him": we actually started believing him
"Him": then Hughes put the radio on and Eric sat up and said "dude, make Coheed louder"
Me: Wow, this is shocking. My Yankees are plagued with nut-jobs.
"Him": Eric isn't a nut job
"Him": it was hilarious
Me: How's Dave Eiland as a coach?
"Him": meh, I ignore coaches
"Him": haha, Swisher's yelling right now
Me: What's he saying?
"Him": "WHAT BITCH? YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THIS"
Me: Tell him to reply to me on Twitter.
"Him": Swish dont got Twit
Me: Yes Swish got Twit.
Me: AJ, I have one more question for you.
"Him": noww hat?
"Him": lmao..I typed too fast with one hand
"Him": now what?
Me: Do you think the Yankees will win the World Series this year?
"Him": fuck no
Me: And why not?
"Him": I think Boston will
Me: Thanks for chatting with me, AJ. It's been a pleasure. Weird freak.

[Closed the conversation. Then I get IM'ed again. I let it run for a bit before I answered]

"Him": hey...
"Him": what's up?
"Him": do you know why aj told me to get on here and keep cody in the bullpen?
"Him": he's yelling at alex
"Him": i am so confused
"Him": hi beeeebzy
"Him": how'd you get my s/n? i told aj not to talk to random people
"Him": why aren't you talking?
"Him": earth to bee
"Him": ahhh, great..fist fight in the club house
"Him": aj and alex
"Him": cc's fat ass is blocking the bullpen door so i cant see
"Him": apparantly aj told him to keep cody away
Me: Is this Damon now? I thought I closed this damn chat.
"Him": yes it is..i opened it again
"Him": i cant stay on much longer though
Me: Didn't think so.
"Him": yeah almost game time
Me: One question for you Damon.
"Him": whats up?
Me: Do you think the Yankees will win the World Series this year?
"Him": there's a good chance
"Him": it depends on how well we play now
Me: AJ seems to think your old team will win it again.
"Him": well, he's got a right to be concerned, they just got very good competition
"Him": martinez is one tough ball player
Me: You really do sound like Johnny Damon. Kudos.
"Him": that's because i am him
Me: Oh of course you are. I'm actually Kate, from Jon & Kate plus 8. Shocking, ain't it?
"Him": ummmmm..
Me: Where's your mom from?
"Him": thailand
Me: So she's a Bangkoker?
"Him": my father is from the usa
Me: Well good job. A+ on knowing the answer.
Me: Hey, Johnny...
"Him": yes?
Me: Start winning me some points, you're on my fantasy team.
"Him": okay
Me: And try to actually make a successful throw to the infield every once in a while.
"Him": okay..
Me: Thanks. Good luck! You weird freak.

[End conversation]

This guy/girl needs help. Seriously mental and emotional health. Who does something like this? Apparently he/she does this regularly, never gives up the act.
I'm convinced that this person is a Red Sox fan. No doubt about it.

This entire conversation has left me with absolutely no comment. I honestly believe it speaks for itself.

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Adios Cody Ransom!!! •••

2009-08-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

Praise Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, Mo, or whoever you pray to at night! The worthless waste-of-roster-space stupidly disguised as a baseball player known as CODY RANSOM is officially gone!

Oh what a glorious night! I want to shout it from the roof-tops and dance in the rain! HALELLUJAH HALELLUJAH, CODY RANSOM IS GONE!

Mo has answered my prayers, the Baseball Gods have listened to our cries, and they have cleansed us of whatever sins we committed to deserve the punishment of Cody Ransom.

My Twitter followers know that I've been a major hater when it came to Cody Ransom. He was my scapegoat for everything that went wrong:
If the Yankees lose, blame it on Cody.
If the Yankees blow a lead, blame it on Cody.
If North Korea invades South Korea, blame it Cody.

It's an accepted law of physics. Just like every reaction is caused by an equal and opposite action, every screw-up is caused by Cody Ransom.

Don't try to argue my logic - it's the truth.

Proof that my logic is the truth: Epistemology students now have a way of making sure that their reached conclusions are absolute truths; if their conclusion = CODY RANSOM FAILS, then it is an absolute truth.

I'm like a caged bird that's just been set free. I'm like a little kid on Christmas Day. Cody Ransom is gone, and the only thing that can complete my happiness is winning our 27th World Series. In fact, now that Cody Ransom is gone, we probably *will* win it.

I don't know how coherent this blog post is, but you know what? I DON'T CARE! I'm just so happy.

Now that Cody Ransom is gone, I'm going to need a new scapegoat. No one has filled the big Shoe Of Failure that Cody has left behind, yet. But worry not, my fellow Yankees, a new scapegoat will present himself on a silver platter ready for execution soon. Until then, let's rejoice!

Oh happy day!
(oh happy day)
OH - happy DAY!
(oh happy day)
When Jesus washed
(when he washed)
WHEN - Jesus washed
(when he waaaaaashed)
CODY RANSOM AWAY!!

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• Dear Joe •••

2009-08-04T07:01:00.000-07:00

It's time for the first installment of our 'Dear Joe' advice column. New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi has kindly agreed to contribute some solid advice to all of our readers, so if you have any problems you need help with, don't be afraid to ask an average Joe!

Our question for today comes from Tampa, Fl.

Dear Joe,

I'm a manager at a local McDonald's. My staff is very competent and they're the best at what they do. We have the best burger flippers and french fry fryers in the country. But something is going wrong. For some reason, we keep missing orders, and costumers are leaving unsatisfied. I've been a manager here for a year and a half, and have cost the franchise a lot of losses. What do I do?

Please help,
Desperate & soon-to-be Unemployed

Dear Desperate & soon-to-be Unemployed,

You're lucky because I know exactly what you're going through. I may have never flipped a burger, but I'm the manager on the New York Yankees and I wear the number 27 on my back, so my words count for a lot.
Here's what you do: you need to rotate your staff around based on the order the customer is giving you. It's called "micromanaging", and I live by it.
Let's say a customer orders a Big Mac Meal, supersized, without pickles. Your first action as manager should be to bring out your Big Mac patty specialist. Don't be fooled into thinking that all burger-flippers are the same. You need to put in the Big Mac Burger-flipping Specialist to face the Big Mac-loving customer.
After the specialist burns the burger, you need to throw the Burger-Scraping specialist in there to try and salvage what's left of the meat. It'll probably be completely burnt, so don't worry if he can't save more than half the meat.

Your next job is to put the Sauce-Applier in. Make sure he specializes in the Big Mac sauce, because every sauce requires a different delivery. So the way to manage this is to "pinch-hit" several saucer-appliers every day.

Then, after half of the meat is salvaged and the sauce is slapped on, you should push your bun-tosser, the "Cody Ransom" of your squad, into the kitchen so he can fumble around with the buns and screw up by putting pickles on there, when the customer clearly asked for no pickles.You'll probably end up with a sloppy joe after your bun-tosser is through with his job, but if you cover it up by using big words while talking to the customer, you might be able to fake it well enough to keep your job another day.
Don't be afraid to utilize your bun-tosser. Your senior staff members will need days off, so throw the bun-tosser in there to fill up empty positions. He'll screw up every work station in the place, but I believe that a poorly done job is better than no job done at all.

And my final piece of advice is: Forget the fries and the drink, you're too far behind schedule by now to worry about the peripherals.

I hope that helped!

Sincerely,
Joe

That's the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The Official Cody Ransom Hate Post •••

2009-08-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

Imagine you’re on vacation in Indonesia. You’re on the beach, you can feel the warm soft sand between your toes, you have an ice-cold beer in your hand, and you’re relaxing with your loved one, taking in the beautiful sun. Suddenly, you see a huge tsunami wave rising in the horizon. Can you imagine the sinking feeling of impending doom you’d get at that sight?

Now imagine you’re at Yankee Stadium on a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon. The crowd is cheering, the children are smiling, the Yankees are winning. You take a sip of your ice-cold beer, then suddenly you see Cody Ransom in the on-deck circle. Now, take the feeling you get at this sight, and compare it with the feeling you’d get facing a tsunami wave.

Almost identical.

I’m a fan of the New York Yankees. I take pride in the pinstripes I wear, and I’m thankful every day for being a Yankee. As a lifelong fan, I’m proud to say that never in my 25 years have I ever booed one of our players. I’m the type to find the positive side of any player, no matter how horrible they are.

I didn’t boo Irabu back in the day, I didn’t boo A-Rod when everyone else was, I didn’t boo Clemens when other fans were, and I didn’t even boo Carl Pavano.

Cody Ransom, however, has changed things for me. I cannot escape that feeling of impending doom every time I see him reach for his bat and helmet in the dugout. I cannot find any positive side to his existence.

This year, I’m at war with myself. On the one hand I believe in standing behind your team through thick and thin, but on the other hand I can NOT bring myself to stand behind Cody Ransom. While I support my team, win or lose, I can’t help but ooze hate when it comes to Cody.

What is he doing in New York? Why am I still seeing his skinny ass on the field? Isn’t it obvious that he doesn’t belong?

I’ve been airing my Ransom hatred out on Twitter, but I feel the need to go on a rant where I’m not limited to 140 characters per post. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Official Cody Ransom Hate Post.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy reading what most of you Yankees’ fans have been thinking.

I would like to know why Cody Ransom is still getting playing time. He can’t hit, he can’t get on base, he can’t play defensively, he makes errors left and right, and he doesn’t even have any sort of attitude: positive or negative.

I mean, come on dude, at least be a d*ck or something – give us SOMETHING to give a crap about. Nope, his personality off the field is just as insignificant as his numbers on the field.

Let’s look at those numbers, shall we?

BA / OBP / SLG : .190 / .256 / .329

This, of course, is in 79 plate appearances. In 79 AB’s, he’s had no home runs, 5 singles, 9 doubles and 1 triple. There ya go, your .190 avg. He’s also drawn a whopping 7 walks! Which explains his OBP.

Let’s not stop there, folks. In 79 Abs, Cody Ransom has struck out 25 times. 25 TIMES! So his God damn SO percentage is .316!

Seriously? This man is considered a utility player for the New York Yankees? Wait, let me rephrase that: he’s considered a player? What sport is he playing? Because from where I’m sitting, it sure as Hell doesn’t look like he’s playing baseball.

Signing players like Cody Ransom really ticks me off. He’s 33 years old, can’t play for [expletive], and whatever future he has ahead of him probably involves asking the question “would you like fries with that?”

Honestly, why the Hell is he a Yankee? The guy is 33 years old, and I can’t even give him the honor of calling him a has-been because HE NEVER REALLY WAS!

We have Gardner, Hinske, Ramiro, and even Shelley Duncan (who isn’t really ready yet for a permanent utility role but he’s better than [expletive] Ransom) to name a few. WHY THE HELL IS CODY RANSOM STILL GETTING PLAYING TIME?

You can’t even give him the benefit of saying that he’s going through a slump. It ain’t a slump if it’s been going on your entire career – it’s just plain sucking.

What pisses me off even more is that I don’t know whom to blame anymore.

Do I blame Cashman for the signing?

Do I blame Girardi for sending him out onto the field? (Sidenote: what’s next, Joe? Are you going to send him out to pinch hit?)

Do I blame myself for watching him?

Do I blame the beer guy for refusing to give me enough beer to make Cody Ransom seem decent?

Who do I freaking blame?

I need answers, America. I need some God damn answers. How can he even sit in the same dugout as the rest of our team?

It hit me hard yesterday when I realized that his 0-for-0 performance was probably one of his best performances this year. At least he got on base by pinch running for a pinch hitter who was walked. Crack open the champagne! Cody Ransom got on base! Run, Cody, Run!

Oh yeah we’re getting our money’s worth when Cody Ransom makes it on base once a month. We could have paid him a pack of cigarettes for his contract, and we still wouldn’t be getting our money’s worth.

Call me what you will. Say that I’m a spoiled fan. Say I’m obnoxious for hating him. I don’t give two craps. When I pay $350 to go to a game, and another $100 or so to follow the Yankees online when I’m not in New York, I believe I have the right to hate players like Cody Ransom.

Someone give me one good reason why Ransom is still on the active roster. One reason. Just one, and I’ll gladly stop the hate. There aren’t any good reasons. Not his “game” (I use that word loosely here), not his attitude, NOTHING.

People complain about how much the Yankees are paying for A-Rod, Teixeira and CC? America should be laughing at us for paying ANYTHING for Cody Ransom. Any type of contract short of him paying us should make us the laughing stock of the baseball world.

Cody Ransom is so incompetent that you’d swear his dad was President of the United States for him to still get AB’s. Is he George Steinbrenner’s secret love child with Suzyn Waldman? He’s got to be related to SOMEONE big for him to still get playing time.

I wonder what Yogi Berra has to say about Ransom. Yogi Berra used to give Derek Jeter sh*t for swinging and missing from time to time, I bet he’d beat the crap out of Ransom given the chance.

Seriously, YES Network, here’s an idea: interview Yogi Berra and ask him about his thoughts on Cody Ransom. Please.

Remember the days of this year’s Spring Training, when Cody Ransom looked somewhat decent and we thought that maybe he’ll have a career season? Yeah, neither do I anymore.

If Cody gets kidnapped, I would not pay his Ransom. Neither would anyone else in New York, or the world. I might pay the kidnapper to keep him. Come to think of it, no one would kidnap him because, just like his name on the roster, he’s a waste of space. The kidnapper probably has better things to stuff into the trunk of his car, like a flashlight, a tire iron, and a garbage bag full of dirty laundry.

Cody Ransom is so pathetic, that kidnappers all around the world are thinking of changing the name given to the sum of money paid in exchange for the release of hostages. The word “ransom” holds no value anymore.

I’m confused. I’m outraged and puzzled. Melky Cabrera and Phil Hughes were almost traded, yet Cody Ransom still gets playing time.

I can’t even say that Cody Ransom is Joe Girardi’s “Scott Proctor”, because at least I could understand why Joe Torre used Proctor. What the Hell is Joe Girardi thinking putting Ransom in there? I would rather see one of our bat boys filling in for an infielder needing an off day. At least when our bat boy messes up we can say “well, he’s a bat boy”.

I demand one of two things from the Yankee organization: either get Cody Ransom off of the roster, or start giving us discounts for every game we attend where Cody Ransom is playing. Somehow, paying the full price for a ticket when Ransom is in the lineup doesn’t seem fair.

In conclusion, I would like to say the following to Cody Ransom: This ain’t Kansas, Dorothy, wake the [expletive] up. Better yet, go back to Kansas, and stay there.

That’s the BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?

••• The BeeBz Effect is in action! •••

2009-08-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I've been slacking.

I've been on vacation, so I haven't been blogging.

Worry not, my friends! I'm going to discipline myself and get my blog up and running. Who knows, maybe I'll get tons of followers? Maybe I won't. But this is a great way to let off some steam, or just make my opinions heard.

Back to the BeeBz Effect! Can you feel it?

••• Bitten by the TwitterBug •••

2009-07-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

What is it about Twitter that is just so damn addictive?

Let's think about it for a second: it is a site with nothing but status updates. No real value is given to us by the creators of the site. It's seemingly an online community of e-stalkers, tracking each others every move through their updated statuses.

So why is it so popular?

I ask this question as I'm logged into Twitterriffic - a Twitter application for my MacBook that updates almost instantly as a new Tweet arrives. I'm currently following 160 people, reading their Tweets as they publish them. Does that make me an e-stalker? Possibly. However Twitter offers more than that.

While the creators of the site don't offer us any valuable information, they offer us something more important: a means to an end. Twitter is a place where we can freely express our thoughts with great ease.

Most people aren't Pulitzer Prize-Winning writers, and don't feel comfortable blogging. Enter: Twitter - a microblogging site.

If you want to express your thoughts and publish them to the world, but you don't feel like writing a long blog entry? Then Twitter is the site for you.

Twitter has become our number one news source, with people posting news stories as they happen. I found out about Michael Jackson's death on Twitter. I also followed the aftermath of the Iranian elections on Twitter. Until now, I follow news from the USA to China on Twitter. I also can follow my favorite celebrities on Twitter.

It's really become a part of my daily routine. I microblog everything I do now, and I read along as others do the same.

So give it a shot, I promise you'll get bitten by the TwitterBug too. Oh and, follow me on Twitter (just click on the link I have on the right side of my blog).

That's The BeeBz Effect. Can you feel it?